Cultivating Compassion in Children

This week's guest blog is by author and activist for children and gentle parenting, Licia Rando. This post is Part Two in a series on Compassionate Parenting.  

We all want a more compassionate world, but how do we help to make it that way? Guiding the next generation in compassion ensures a better future for us all. Here are some ways to begin cultivating compassion in the children under your care.

Be loving and compassionate with your children. 

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame, studies empathy and moral development.  She tells us that children need to be held and to have their needs met to develop the neural responses necessary to feel for others. “Part of what is being shaped by caregiver touch and responsivity is the neuroendocrine system, which plays a large role in managing stressful situations and bonding to others throughout life.”
Bruce Perry, child trauma expert and psychiatrist tells us, “Babies are born with two important skills that prepare them for empathy --the ability to imitate facial gestures and the automatic response in which the cries of other infants cause them to cry as well.” Both of these actions involve mirror neurons.  These cells fire when we perform an activity and they fire when we see someone else perform an activity, but less intensely. Someone else’s smile or tears triggers a response in our brains.  This response enables us to feel another’s pain or joy.

Help your child learn to read emotions on faces.

Make happy, sad and mad faces at your baby and name them for her.  Show her picture books that focus on simple feelings. At 1-2 years, when your baby is frowning say, “You look sad”. This helps her to know her inner world which is necessary to feeling what someone else feels. As your child reaches 2-3 years, ask her to make faces for the emotions you name, extend the feelings to include surprised, excited, hurt, and scared. While reading together, look at the illustrations and identify the feelings of the characters.  As the stories get more complex, ask what the character feels and why she or he might feel that way. Also ask if your child remembers feeling this way. Extend this to your day to day living. When you see a child at the park get hit, ask your child what he thinks that child is feeling.  Ask what you might do to make the child feel better.

Help your child act compassionately.

Your compassionate acts will have the most influence on your child learning to act with compassion. Also help your child to perform his own compassionate acts. Ask him to draw a picture or give a gift of something he knows someone else would like and give it.
Keep in mind that children under 18 months are unable to determine a different desire than their own. A study by Repacholi and Gotnick gave children bowls containing either broccoli or goldfish.  The children preferred the goldfish. Researchers made faces expressing disgust with goldfish and a like of broccoli.  When the researchers asked for more of the food they liked, the children instead gave them the food they themselves enjoyed (broccoli or goldfish) until the children were 18 months of age. Children not only need to identify feelings to develop compassion, they need to see that others may have different viewpoints than they themselves have. 

Help your children be mindful of good acts at every age. 

In my grade 2-3 religious education class, children recorded their good acts in a small notebook. Then in class each child placed a gem in a jar for each good act they performed and each act they witnessed someone else perform. Giving gems for seeing someone else perform a good act serves as a model for the child, someone to imitate. When the jar was full of jewels, we had a party to celebrate. This was one of their favorite activities.  I also told them to observe the receiver of the kind act’s facial and bodily response, to see how their kind acts affect others. This would serve as an immediate reward.

Encourage schools, clubs and places of worship to provide opportunities.

Help make dinner at a shelter, collect canned goods, clothes, baby items, etc. Older children will find projects more meaningful if they have input into which organizations to help. Our older Girl Scouts voted to help the animal rescue league and to collect books for flooded libraries.
When we parent to cultivate compassion in our children, we produce beings who are able to feel what others feel and to act on their behalf. If all over the world parents united in this cause, we could assure a more compassionate world - a legacy for all our children.

Licia Rando is the author of the picture book The Warmest Place of All and Caring and Connected Parenting: A Guide to Raising Connected Children.
The guide is endorsed by pediatricians T. Berry Brazelton, MD and Laura Jana, MD. Daniel Siegel, PhD, author of Mindsight and co-author of  Parenting from the Inside OutEisler, author of The Real Wealth of Nations. The guide is available free on-line at www.liciarando.com or www.saiv.net

Sources

1.   D. P. F. Montague  & Walker-Andrews, A. S. Mothers, Fathers, and Infants: The Role of Familiarity and Parental Involvement in Infants’ Perception of Emotion Expressions. Child Development, 73, No. 5, 1339-1352. 2002.

2.   Narvaez, Darcia, Why Do Kids Who Are Held and Cuddled Become More Empathetic Adults?

Darcia Narvaez Answers. Oct.5, 2010. 

3.   Bruce Perry, M.D.,Ph.D.and Maia Szalavitz,  Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential—and Endangered, William Morrow, 2010.  page 21.

4.   Repacholi, B., and Gotnick, A. Early Reasoning about Desires: Evidence from 14- and 18-month-olds. Developmental Psychology, 33, 12-21. 1997.

*photo is of Ginger and her second son in 2008.

Is Your Life In Perspective?

Today's blog is my first - with my children playing by my side. To blog, I usually wake at 5 am or wait until my work day begins. But today is different.

Perspective
Today, in their high pitched, little boy voices - my sons peep "beep beep" as they back up their trucks in their increasingly self directed, imaginative play. My youngest, 2 1/2, looks up to say "yook mom, it (truck) cwashed" and "cmon, again," to his brother as they make "laps" around the kitchen "racetrack" with their trucks. My oldest runs over to say "mom, i forgot to give you a hug....(hugs me) and a kiss" (aww - today's blog is worth it already!). Blogging with my children has been impossible until today (I have young toddlers) - when I considered today's topic - and thought it most appropriate - no, absolutely necessary - that they be with me.

With the sounds of trucks being pushed along the tile floor, of padding toddler feet across the room, and the squeals of delight as my sons interact with one another...I want to share with you how I keep my priorities ordered - in parenting, work, and life.

Does (your) Life Have the Perspective You Want?

Relationships.
When I went through an incredibly difficult and hard lesson in my life several years ago, I emerged from the ashes vowing one single thing. Focus on Relationship. Relationship with Self. Relationship with Others. If I focused on nothing else in my life except having successful relationships - I figured my life and heart would be full. That small vow has transformed my life. I live an abundant and blessed life because of that one vow.

It is not easy to keep, since our very nature is to be self-preserving (ahem, sometimes self-centered). However, we are not created to be independent creatures, isolated from others. Many studies show the detrimental, long standing damage that isolation inflicts on an individual - from infants to adults. We were created to be in relationship with others. Immense joy - comes from acceptance. We want to be love and be loved.

Choose Relationship over everything else in your life - and see what happens.
Here are 4...Relationship Tips I use every day (sometimes every hour or minute) to maintain my perspective of cultivating healthy relationships with others and my self.

• Grace in...Rock singer/songwriter Bono writes, "She travels outside of karma...she takes the blame...she covers the shame...Grace finds beauty, in everything." Type A, perfectionists (which I tend to be) or for you yogis - pitta types - tend to forget about grace. We focus on getting it right and wasting no time doing it. However, we can alienate and hurt others in the process. On the other extreme, there are those who think status quo is just fine (thank you very much) - and see no need to change anything (kapha types). In the middle - we should seek to find the beauty that can exist in a state of Grace. Compassion in our relationships helps us understand and empathize with others. We, as individuals and as a country, should not have to wait until tragedy hits home in order to feel the similar pain of others. In your next interaction with someone, practice Bono's lyric.
  

• Forgiveness in...
  Folk singer/songwriter Patty Griffin writes, "it's hard to give and it's hard to get, but everybody needs a little forgiveness." At time we may "swim with the snakes at the bottom of the well" but "we are not snakes and what's more we never will be...if we stay swimming here forever we will never be free." Give forgiveness, and you'll get it from others.
  

• Transparency in...
  Indie singer/songwriters Indigo Girls write, "oh, the fear I've known, that I might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own..." One of my spiritual mentors said once that people are starved for authenticity. We seek out those who are genuine in the world - and we cannot rest until we find them. We actually, I believe whether we know it or not, spend our whole lives seeking authenticity. So, make it easier and start with (our)Self first. Be transparent - in order to attract the same type of person into your life.
  

• Synergy in...
  Bob Dylan's son, Jakob Dylan, writes, "it doesn't always have a shape, almost never has a name, it may have a pitchfork, maybe has a tail, but evil is alive and well." When in a disagreement with anyone - remember that your struggle is not against the man or woman. The struggle is with evil.
  
  Just like a child who misbehaves, it is not the child you do not like - it is their behavior. The same situation is true with your spouse, your co-worker, the driver who refuses to let you merge or the parent without basic manners. Your struggle is not with them, but with the evil that can take hold of them - poor behavior or decisions made.
  
  You can disarm conflict if you separate the person from their poor choice or behavior. Rather than make an accusation, work toward creating Synergy. During your next stressful situation or conflict, find common ground without accusing the other person. Seeking a solution with another person is a synergistic action. It works for the collective good of a relationship and for all. This kind of Synergistic Problem Solving (SPS) can bring us all more peace.
  

Like lifting weights or training in yoga or for a marathon - you cannot become stronger unless you meet resistance. Arguments are not and should not be detrimental to your relationships - use a disagreement to strengthen your relationship with others - and with your Self.

While writing this blog post today, I have applied all of these lessons in real time. So having my children by my side during this post today was a good choice - for all of us.
During this blog I have had to take multiple breaks to discipline (with Grace), manage conflict (with Forgiveness & Synergy), hug, kiss, read to (with Transparency), and put my children down for their naptime (okay that's allowing both mother and children to build up new reserves of Grace, Forgiveness, Transparency, and SPS). Ahh - the beauty of lessons learned (and relationships strengthened).

Today is a perfect day to start ~ Cultivating and Nurturing Relationships.

*photo is of my oldest son and me last spring, during a family (relationship building) walk.

Christmas Crunch: Avoiding Family Tension During the Holiday

Family conflict during the Holidays. Ugh. It happens often and for some families, is inevitable.

The Season is upon us, so to safeguard the harmony of your family Christmas, I have developed 5 Guidelines for Building Better Relationships.

My guidelines use yoga philosophy combined with my clinical experience in western medicine. No matter what your belief system, you can learn about yoga philosophy without betraying your belief system. In fact, you may find that yoga helps you deepen your own spiritual roots. as it does for me.

In times of need, you can be a Mercy Ship. A Mercy Ship saves others - you can be that proverbial ship that brings Peace and Harmony to your family's Holiday.

Being A Mercy Ship in time of need:

1. Respond rather than react. Conflict will always rear its ugly head. Our goal in life is not to be conflict free, but rather deal gracefully with it when it arises. It is not the conflict that is important, it is how you react to it. So when your cousin brings their dog to your mother's "hypoallergenic" home or your great aunt insists on giving gifts when you've emphatically stated no gifts - don't panic. Breathe. Think. Choose your words carefully. And speak with kindness and compassion.
2. Voice your expectations. Nothing ruins a Holiday quicker than having one (or multiple) unmet expectations. You thought you were spending Christmas with your extended family, but he thought you were staying home this year. Hello? An explosion like a toddler temper tantrum is in the making. Make sure you get your expectations on the table. All of them. If you want to get to the community potluck Christmas fair by 6 pm, say so. If he wants to stay home for Christmas, consider a compromise. But above all, make sure your family knows your expectations and intentions.
3. Sow seeds so that you may reap a harvest. Many religions share this proverb. This Christmas, be the friend you want to have - to your family and your friends. In yoga, this is karma. In life, it is the "Golden Rule." Put out the energy that you want to take in - without expecting anything in return.
4. In order to transform, you must know what you believe. The great religions & philosohies of the world agree with the proverb: do not be like the chaff of the wheat, which is easily blown by the wind. What it implies is those who are easily blown by the wind are immature fence riders. In order to effect change, we must solidly know what we believe. In practical terms, if we want a family member to change their damaging or divisive behavior, then we must change our own damaging behavior. In fact, it may not be the family member's behavior that needs changing - it might just be you that needs to change. Or as Ghandi said, "be the change you want to see in the world." Analyze what fuels your own behavior - pride? self-preservation? generosity? sacrifice? Figure out what you may need to change - your behavior may be the what someone needs to change (or save!) their life or your family unity.
5. "How Fragile We Are. How Fragile We Are." In the lyrics of songwriter Sting, we must remember that we are all very delicate creatures. "We", as U2's Bono writes, might not be broken but we can see the cracks." We are all on the edge of breaking at any moment. So this Season, be careful with one another.

Coming Next in Breathing In This Life: Learning Your Family's Love Languages. Based on the bestselling book, learn how you can improve relationships with those you love by speaking their language, in 5 easy steps.

*photo of my youngest(15 months), Christmas 2008

Stop Stress In Its Tracks, Day 3

Okay ladies, here are my last "real time" stress busters (for this week anyway).

1. Stress scenario: There is not enough time in the day to get everything done.
2. Solution: This is a tough one, but we must tackle it.

Identify time wasters:

• Cut out TV. Completely. Even get rid of your TV. We did in 2004. We only recently got a small one so our kids can watch their DVD's. Public television is the only channel my children watch now. My husband and I only watch State of the Union addresses, or in the case of an election year, we watch the political debates. Instead of wasting our time with TV, if we want to watch something important, we will order it via our Netflix account. In addition, there is no TV during any family time, such as dinners, and no more than 2 PBS shows or 1 movie (i.e. the time it takes to watch a movie) a day.
  
• Cut back on Internet. We connect to the world via the Internet, so we get what we need and not what we don't (ads, silly pop culture, violence on the evening news, etc.). I use the Internet for reading news, work, shopping, and some social and professional media (once/week usually). However we can still have the tendency to surf the net too much. Now we observe the following: No Internet or computers during the dinner hour, between 5-8 pm. No Internet during any family time. This means no texting, no cell phones, no TV, no outside interruption. Same goes for email. As I mentioned previously, try to only check your email two times a day. Hovering over your email all day is not productive.
  
• Get rid of your land line & then don't answer your cell phone. I stand by my Grandfather Garner's philosophy. "Say what you need to say, and get off the phone." Yes, even as a teenager, I stood firm on this philosophy. If you do not need a land line, then get rid of it. It will also save you some money each month. I only use my cell phone when I absolutely must. My whole family knows I do not like to use the phone. Now my cell phone rings only when the caller has something important to say.
• Don't buy tabloids or fluff magazines. Yes, I have been known to read a copy of House Beautiful as intensely as I teach a yoga class. However, our society should know better than to fuel pop culture demand for gossip magazines. You know, the ones that discuss celebrity's private lives and make us feel either good or bad about our self image. It's easy. Just don't do it. Put that money you would spend into your children's' stock portfolios.
• Don't overdo a task. This is similar to talking on the phone. Only do it if you must. Think about what you are going to do before you are going to do it. For example, making a grocery list. I have this nifty list that divides whole foods into categories, so you can check a box and then go straight to that section in the store. No time wasted and no impulse buys.
  
• Get rid of the clutter. This applies at several levels.
  

1. Don't bring junk mail into the house. Stand at your recycling bin and toss it as soon as you take it out of the mailbox. We all know physical clutter, this includes extra body weight, can create mental clutter. Better yet, take action to reduce or eliminate receipt of junk mail altogether.
   
2. Get rid of one item for each new item you purchase. This especially applies to clothing and furnishings. Stop consumerism.
3. Don't have a junk drawer. I don't. Every drawer in my house has a purpose. There is no need to waste a drawer, or any storage space, to hold junk. Either the junk can be re purposed, given away to someone who won't consider it junk, recycled, or trashed.
   

• Make things hover. I know this one is strange, but it is my favorite. My husband can vouch for that. Carefully plan your rooms. The more things you have sitting on the floor, the more cluttered (and less usable) a room feels. For anything that remains in one spot more than a week, you need a designated place and storage method for it. Mail, laundry (dirty and clean and the stuff that is in the "holding" area to be put away, ironed, or taken to the cleaners), reusable grocery totes, hats, shoes, wine. I try to create proper storage so things can "hover" - that way, I can whisk around the room and tidy up in a flash. Shockingly, I have no problem with my family, including my husband, leaving things all over the house. If you create a practical, user friendly method for organization, then it will be easier for your family to use that that to leave it on the floor. Trust me. Making things hover really works.
  

1. Stress: Immediate overload. You need help now!
2. Solution:

• 10 minutes of Yoga. I used to practice for 90 minutes a day on average. Now, I actually practice for no more than 30 minutes 4-6 times a week, and am in better shape. (yes, I know. less is more.) Some days though, especially when my children were infants, I only got 10 minutes. It still got my pre-baby body back, and I had instant stress relief. Follow me on You Tube to get fit.
  
• Time away from kids, or your job, etc. This can be anywhere from 10 minutes to 10 days! I know it is obvious, but as women, we never have time away. Take it today. Recharge.
  
• Pray. Return to your spiritual roots. Faith and hope are our greatest weapons against burnout and stress. Believe. Meditate. Begin your day with hope. You can do it anywhere.
  
• Volunteer. The surest way to help yourself is to help others. I observe my boundaries (see day 1 and 2 blog), but because I have identified and eliminated time wasters, I still have time to give. And, I am teaching my children a valuable lesson about helping those in need.
  
• Focus on relationship building. We are not created to be independent, solitary, isolated creatures. Human beings were created for relationship. Cultivate them.
• Count your blessings. Recognize milestones. Look at what you have accomplished, rather than what you have not. You are amazing!

3. Overall Benefits: More time for You. More time for Others. A Greater Appreciation for the human race. A second (or third) chance to Live and Love Life. A great way to Live in Gratitude.

Now I am going to settle into my own stress relief mode. Starting today, I am unplugging from technology for 1 whole week.
Yes, I am practicing what I preach.
"See" you in 1 week.

Stop Stress In Its Tracks

Sometimes it creeps up on you, sometimes it crashes into you, sometimes it consumes you, but frequently it seems, stress seems to be just around the next corner. My day is going smoothly, and then something ALWAYS happens to interrupt my "zen" flow.

Reality! You wake up late or you wake up too early. You forget your cell phone or you accidentally wash (and dry!) your cell phone (me with pregnant brain during my second pregnancy). You grocery shop and then leave the groceries at the store (my cousin and dear friend, right after the birth of her second child). You make up your child's bed neatly and, in the meantime, he or she is hard at work sabotaging your latest manuscript (kids love laptops, especially mine!). You go to work to provide family financial stability, but in the end you have no time to spend with the family you are working so hard for.

Mothers, the original gurus of multi-tasking, can have a pretty long "stress" list. In fact, the more we multi-task, the more stressed and less efficient we become. (can I get an amen there?)

So this week, I will share "real time" stress relief secrets. This means I will offer up stress relief tips that work in real life - like the ones I use while I try to get my kids to nap so I can finish this blog or the ones I use when the kids spew their oatmeal at each other as I (try to) concentrate on answering work email - you know - that kind of "real time".

Even now, as I work, I am listening to my oldest sing his own nonstop rendition (by request) of happy birthday to his brother (it's not his birthday) while they "nap." So here it goes....

7 Ways to Stop Mommy/Wife Stress In Its Tracks:

1. Stressful Scenario: The kids are not listening to you (boy if I had a nickel for every time this happened).
   
2. Solution: Whisper, don't shout. I use to shout, but after a year of chronically losing my voice I learned something neat. When I spoke in a tone closer to a whisper than a shout, my kids listened more. Also, stick around until you get the results you are looking for. In yoga speak, this means helping a student align their pose, then not moving on to the next student until they have achieved the safe alignment you want. The same is true with children. To get them to nap, I hung around outside their bedroom door. (I recently moved them into a shared room, so bed time has gotten very interesting.) Each time I would hear little feet on the floor, I would open the door and calmly remind them to stay in their beds. I also tossed in a carrot - I told them "we will have more time for fun after their nap if they go to sleep now." The results were profound.
3. Benefit: You don't have to get anymore headaches from listening to your head roar. You can prevent wrinkles from not having to twist up your face in exasperation all the time. Your posture will improve because you can take the time to bend down on one knee and explain to them why they are in trouble, instead of hunching over or throwing your head back to get your voice to travel the furthest distance at the loudest volume possible. Lastly, your shouts become more effective when they are truly needed (like a dangerous situation of running into traffic, etc.), They will be less likely to think you are "crying wolf" and will be much more receptive to you. I get lots more "I wuv you's (I love you's) from my kids for shouting less and speaking gently more.

1. Scenario: Your husband is not listening to you. (hmm, another nickel anyone?)
2. Solution: One of my biggest pet peeves is repeating myself. And, there is nothing worse than repeating yourself when no one is listening. So when this scenario arises, I remind myself that no one is a perfect listener. In addition, not many people digest information after they've only heard it once. (can anyone pass that physics or biology test after only reading the information once?) Remind yourself that everyone is fragile and you are not the center of the universe. Your husband is likely as stressed as you are. Ask him what he may need to get off his chest as well. The fact is, how well can you pay attention to details if you are already overwhelmed with information (aka hyper stimulated)? If these reminders do not work, send your partner an email or write a short letter. Consider it a "love letter". A means for really slowing down to say what you mean. When is the last time you wrote one a love letter to your partner? Do it today. Lastly, try to avoid working out problems during chaotic times. I am not a procrastinator. In fact, I am the anti-thesis of a procrastinator. But for working on marital bliss with your partner, sometimes procrastination is a good thing. Instead of trying to work through a disagreement while the kids are also melting down, postpone it. The immediacy of what you disagreed over will subside. Let yourself mellow for a while (not steep!), and see if you can speak about it when the situation has calmed itself.
   
3. Benefit: Improved communication, hands down. By far, the biggest troublemaker in a relationship is lack of or ineffective communication. Usually, it is because of anger or expectations. (i.e. You get angry because expectations were not met. For example, "I thought you were going to pick up the groceries. or I thought Friday was our date night? or I cannot believe you said that to me.") Explain what you mean, without animosity or hidden agenda. If you cannot do it out loud, do it in writing. Many times, you can explain things better if you write them out first, and you are less likely to let anger dictate your speech.

Stay tuned...5 More Stress Busters to come this week!

*photo taken in June of this year during a trip to Grandfather mountain. ...a typical day in the life of any mother....