The American Woman: Telling Our Story

Ginger in the UK
at the beginning of her own "Eat, Pray, Love" journey in 2004

A few weeks ago, a BITL reader wrote to tell me know how much this blog had helped her get her life back.  After suffering from long standing depression and struggling with her weight and the stresses that attach themselves to it - she found my blog and in it the tools she needed to arm herself for self-healing.

After reading her story, I knew that Cindy (not her real name) was a courageous young woman with a mission - and that she could be a powerful help to other women struggling under the pressures of daily living.  I asked if I could share her story with BITL readers, and she quickly obliged.  "If my story can help another woman and empower her to take charge of her body and her health," Cindy wrote, "please share it."

Cindy shares her story below, and I want to encourage you to keep sending your stories of struggle and success.  Please send us your story - to help build a community of women who help each other thrive.

Hi Ginger....I just spent the entire morning looking at your web page and blog. I love it! I printed out a lot of material that I found useful, helpful, inspiring, motivating, and educating!

I love the Vitamin D article. I have been struggling with some health issues lately from weight gain to depression. After looking at blood test results, the doctors found that I was Vitamin D and B12 deficient. Right now I take a prescription dosage of Vitamin D. I also need to get a B12 injection each week. I have felt the results. I am so much more energetic and able to accomplish much more. I also found that each of these vitamins can help with weight loss and depression...directly and indirectly.

The blog posts that I absolutely love are the Happiness Inventory parts 1-3. I have gained about twenty five pounds in the past year and a half. I printed out all the info. Plus, I am going to order a few books as well as your yoga DVD. I was on medications for depression and migraines. I felt like a walking medicine cabinet. After much debate, I decide to quit my meds (I didn't quit cold turkey, but had to keep lowering the dosage). I am currently through my second week of not taking anti-depressants and my migraine meds. I just take my Vitamin D and get my B12 injection.

I can cry at the drop of a hat...but I keep telling myself to give it time. I am going to try and make life changes that are positive: diet, exercise, extra curricular activities:) We will see how it goes.

I have probably flooded your ears way too much! But a lot of your blog posts seemed to click and I found connections. I had even researched the adrenal gland and stress.....I printed that article too.  

Thank you again for your blog.
Love,
Cindy 


Resources Cindy Uses

• Happiness Inventory
• Vitamin D Deficiency - Do you have one?
• Burned Out? How to tell and what to do

Other Helpful Resources

• How well are you managing your energy? Take the The Energy Audit quiz here 
• Easy Self Massage for Boosting Energy
• Redefining Yoga Practice for the 21st Century Mother
• Your Independence Day: Going from Passive to Active

I encourage you to comment below and keep sending your stories so we can continue to build a community of women who help each other thrive. 

Living Wide Awake in 2011

Introspection
(Our Family Christmas Vacation 2010)

Reflection. You see your own in the mirror day in, day out.

But who do see?  The person you were, the person you are, or the person you want to become?

Self-reflection is recognized as a universal requirement for learning.  Maxine Greene PhD, who entered the field of education in 1938 and established herself early on at Columbia University as the "lone female voice" in a male dominated philosophy of education, has this to say about reflection:

"...you can be submerged in the crowd, and if you're submerged in the crowd and have no opportunity to think for yourself, to look through your own eyes, life is dull and flat and boring," she says. "The only way to really awaken to life, awaken to the possibilities, is to be self-aware."

Greene likens reflection to "wide-awakeness." "Without the ability to think about yourself, to reflect on your life, there's really no awareness, no consciousness. Consciousness doesn't come automatically; it comes through being alive, awake, curious, and often furious."

Living "Wide-Awake"

My self reflection practice has revealed to me, through the years, these two truths. Though simple, they have had a profound effect on ordering my life for greatest growth and success.

1. Write in pencil.  As I order my days and set goals for myself, I now only write in pencil. Whether on my family or google calendar I can swiftly erase or delete whatever no longer serves me or my family's best interests.  Putting away the ink pen has freed me to invite new experiences into my life.  I am more flexible as a parent and professional and realize I can flow with life's changes gracefully. Wielding a pencil instead of a pen has allowed me to let go so I can grow.
   
   Time has a way of showing us all - that we are not in control.  Sooner or later, we have to learn that flexibility, not rigidity, serves us best. My wake up call was my 2 year old son's emergency heart surgery. With his diagnosis and the surgeon's curt announcement, "your son will need cardiothoracic surgery within the month..."  suddenly my packed work schedule and all the responsibilities that I had tied to it - paled and fell away.  I found myself waiting outside the pediatric neo-natal intensive care unit - pacing and praying for my son's life. 
   
   That experience demanded that I write in pencil. Now I don't wait for the proverbial shoe to drop before self-reflecting. I do it every time I plan an event in my calendar.
   
   
2. Omit possessive vocabulary.  I began this practice more than a decade ago, during a humanitarian trip to Alaska to help a community of Native Americans. That trip showed my that nothing I have is mine. It is only gifted to me while I am here on earth. Being Native American myself, I was reminded by this beautiful family of Alaskan Indians that the "my" we use so often - doesn't really exist.
   
   That year I stopped using the word "my."  "My" belongings or "my business" or  "my skills" were no longer mine. They belonged to a greater good that had nothing to do with me but everything to do with how I used what was entrusted to me and what lasting effect is has in this world.  This small practice also helped me more earnestly apply the yogic principle of non-attachment.  Situations in life were no longer mine, and as a result, I was able to look at them through a more objective, level-headed, and less emotionally possessive lens.
   
   As a result, relationships I had with others also improved.  Annoying habits or hurtful behaviors from others were just that - only habits or behaviors - but they did not own the person.  As a result, I was able to detach the bad experience from the person, which left me free to forgive and open myself up to healing and growth in the relationship.

Resources
Here are a few blogs from BITL and other bloggers which can help you on the path toward growth and wisdom in 2011.

Self-Reflection: How To Do It Right
Freedom To Live Your Life: But Are You?
Midwife For Your Life
Is Your Life in Perspective?
The Person Next To You Is
Self Reflection for Entrepreneurs
Self Reflect Instead of Self Neglect

Cultivating Compassion in Children

This week's guest blog is by author and activist for children and gentle parenting, Licia Rando. This post is Part Two in a series on Compassionate Parenting.  

We all want a more compassionate world, but how do we help to make it that way? Guiding the next generation in compassion ensures a better future for us all. Here are some ways to begin cultivating compassion in the children under your care.

Be loving and compassionate with your children. 

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame, studies empathy and moral development.  She tells us that children need to be held and to have their needs met to develop the neural responses necessary to feel for others. “Part of what is being shaped by caregiver touch and responsivity is the neuroendocrine system, which plays a large role in managing stressful situations and bonding to others throughout life.”
Bruce Perry, child trauma expert and psychiatrist tells us, “Babies are born with two important skills that prepare them for empathy --the ability to imitate facial gestures and the automatic response in which the cries of other infants cause them to cry as well.” Both of these actions involve mirror neurons.  These cells fire when we perform an activity and they fire when we see someone else perform an activity, but less intensely. Someone else’s smile or tears triggers a response in our brains.  This response enables us to feel another’s pain or joy.

Help your child learn to read emotions on faces.

Make happy, sad and mad faces at your baby and name them for her.  Show her picture books that focus on simple feelings. At 1-2 years, when your baby is frowning say, “You look sad”. This helps her to know her inner world which is necessary to feeling what someone else feels. As your child reaches 2-3 years, ask her to make faces for the emotions you name, extend the feelings to include surprised, excited, hurt, and scared. While reading together, look at the illustrations and identify the feelings of the characters.  As the stories get more complex, ask what the character feels and why she or he might feel that way. Also ask if your child remembers feeling this way. Extend this to your day to day living. When you see a child at the park get hit, ask your child what he thinks that child is feeling.  Ask what you might do to make the child feel better.

Help your child act compassionately.

Your compassionate acts will have the most influence on your child learning to act with compassion. Also help your child to perform his own compassionate acts. Ask him to draw a picture or give a gift of something he knows someone else would like and give it.
Keep in mind that children under 18 months are unable to determine a different desire than their own. A study by Repacholi and Gotnick gave children bowls containing either broccoli or goldfish.  The children preferred the goldfish. Researchers made faces expressing disgust with goldfish and a like of broccoli.  When the researchers asked for more of the food they liked, the children instead gave them the food they themselves enjoyed (broccoli or goldfish) until the children were 18 months of age. Children not only need to identify feelings to develop compassion, they need to see that others may have different viewpoints than they themselves have. 

Help your children be mindful of good acts at every age. 

In my grade 2-3 religious education class, children recorded their good acts in a small notebook. Then in class each child placed a gem in a jar for each good act they performed and each act they witnessed someone else perform. Giving gems for seeing someone else perform a good act serves as a model for the child, someone to imitate. When the jar was full of jewels, we had a party to celebrate. This was one of their favorite activities.  I also told them to observe the receiver of the kind act’s facial and bodily response, to see how their kind acts affect others. This would serve as an immediate reward.

Encourage schools, clubs and places of worship to provide opportunities.

Help make dinner at a shelter, collect canned goods, clothes, baby items, etc. Older children will find projects more meaningful if they have input into which organizations to help. Our older Girl Scouts voted to help the animal rescue league and to collect books for flooded libraries.
When we parent to cultivate compassion in our children, we produce beings who are able to feel what others feel and to act on their behalf. If all over the world parents united in this cause, we could assure a more compassionate world - a legacy for all our children.

Licia Rando is the author of the picture book The Warmest Place of All and Caring and Connected Parenting: A Guide to Raising Connected Children.
The guide is endorsed by pediatricians T. Berry Brazelton, MD and Laura Jana, MD. Daniel Siegel, PhD, author of Mindsight and co-author of  Parenting from the Inside OutEisler, author of The Real Wealth of Nations. The guide is available free on-line at www.liciarando.com or www.saiv.net

Sources

1.   D. P. F. Montague  & Walker-Andrews, A. S. Mothers, Fathers, and Infants: The Role of Familiarity and Parental Involvement in Infants’ Perception of Emotion Expressions. Child Development, 73, No. 5, 1339-1352. 2002.

2.   Narvaez, Darcia, Why Do Kids Who Are Held and Cuddled Become More Empathetic Adults?

Darcia Narvaez Answers. Oct.5, 2010. 

3.   Bruce Perry, M.D.,Ph.D.and Maia Szalavitz,  Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential—and Endangered, William Morrow, 2010.  page 21.

4.   Repacholi, B., and Gotnick, A. Early Reasoning about Desires: Evidence from 14- and 18-month-olds. Developmental Psychology, 33, 12-21. 1997.

*photo is of Ginger and her second son in 2008.

Compassionate Parenting (Part One in a Two Part Series)

 

This week's guest blog is by author and activist for children and gentle parenting, Licia Rando. This post is Part One in a series on Compassionate Parenting. 

To parent with compassion is to feel what your child is feeling and to respond out of strength and well-being with a caring heart and mind.

One word bubbles to the top when trying to define the most important aspects of compassionate parenting-- listening. True listening involves our eyes, ears and our attention. Listening in compassionate parenting involves our hearts and minds as well. In order to parent compassionately we listen to ourselves as well as to our children. The information we receive allows us to respond with love and respect for both ourselves and our children.

Listening to our children involves more than hearing their words or cries, but also attuning to their body movements, facial expressions and emotions. If our infant turns away from us, squirms or pushes us, he is asking us to stop what we are doing. If our child is playing quietly with Legos, we should enter quietly and ask to join in or simply sit to the side and watch.  If our child is bouncing off the walls, we need to understand what her body is telling us and take her outside to run around before expecting her to sit for an extended time. 

Compassionate parenting understands a child’s development. I remember finding my 4-year-old daughter’s name written on our wall in a child’s beginning printing style. When asked who had done it, my daughter replied, “Raffi did it.” Raffi was our dog. Pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton tells us that all 4-year-olds lie.

If all four year olds lie, do we punish our child for normal developmental behavior? Or do we step into those little 4-year-old shoes and understand why the child lied. Child development tells us that the child at this age confuses fact and fantasy. Therefore our compassionate reaction would be to tell her that we understand why she said what she did and begin simple discussions on truth and fiction. All the while we guide her as she develops a conscience. As our child grows, we use reasoning to help her think about how her actions affect others. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., professor of psychology, points to research that shows that “parents who use induction and reasoning raise children who are better adjusted and more likely to help their peers. This style of parenting seems to nurture the basic tools of compassion.”

Compassionate parenting means we must also have compassion for ourselves. Parenting is challenging at times and even those who truly love the job benefit from time away. A little break may help us to grow, to come back with a new outlook to share and perhaps with a new appreciation for the noisiness that is family. Compassion for ourselves means we don’t have to be perfect and we don’t have to give 100% of ourselves to everyone else. Compassion means we feel what the other person feels; we respond out of respect and love, but we do not allow ourselves to be drained of self. We come from a strong place of knowing ourselves first. We all have to have our needs taken into account to be part of a healthy family.

Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and co-author of Parenting from the Inside Out, tells us that to be compassionate we must have theory of mind (an ability to perceive and understand the inner experience of another person), self-knowledge, and flexibility in our responses. Well developed executive functions help us to evaluate and override our initial emotional response to a situation. During a temper tantrum, telling ourselves,” I am getting angry because I am embarrassed, but tantrums are a normal part of child development” helps us to take an intentional approach, not an emotional approach to the situation. And when our child is finished with his emotional release, we can say compassionately, “I know it’s hard when we can’t have what we want. And someday you won’t need to take tantrums.”

Compassionate parenting, listening and putting ourselves in our child’s shoes does not mean, spoiling. Babies can not be spoiled. It is okay to love them and attend to their needs totally. Older children need limits. T. Berry Brazelton tells us that a spoiled child is a child looking for limits. A child needs to have limits set in order for him to navigate the world, form relationships with others and to become part of a family and the larger community.

Human beings are neurally wired to form relationships. Research by Eisenberger and Lieberman shows that feelings of rejection, exclusion, and distance activate the same neural processes as physical pain. In order to be healthy, we need to learn how to be with others. Research done at Emory University indicates that when we help people, it activates the reward centers in our brains. We can lead our child to discover that helping others feels good. In order to do this, we have to help our child see outside of his own self-interest and into the needs of other people. This is the beginning of connected relationships, the beginning of compassion.

Licia Rando is the author of the picture book The Warmest Place of All and Caring and Connected Parenting: A Guide to Raising Connected Children.

The guide is endorsed by pediatricians T. Berry Brazelton, MD and Laura Jana, MD. Daniel Siegel, PhD, author of Mindsight and co-author of  Parenting from the Inside OutEisler, author of The Real Wealth of Nations.

The guide is available free on-line at www.liciarando.com or www.saiv.net

Sources

1. Lieberman, M. D., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2005). A pain by any other name (rejection, exclusion, ostracism), still hurts the same: The role of dorsal anterior cingulate in social and physical pain. In J. T. Cacioppo, P. Visser, & C. Pickett (Eds.), Social Neuroscience: People Thinking About People (pp. 167-187). Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
2. T.Berry Brazelton, M.D., Touchpoints The Essential Reference
3. Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., Parenting from the Inside Out 
4. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., The Compassionate Instinct, Spring 2004, http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergood/archive/2004springsummer/keltner_spring04.pdf

The Yoga of Compassionate Parenting

I am learning that parenting gets more difficult, in different ways, as my children grow and develop.  Whereas in the early years I was sleep deprived and physically exhausted, now that they are growing beyond toddler"dom" - I have regained my former energy and zip (well, maybe not all of it, but pretty close to all of it).

However, while I don't have to exert as much physical effort - the emotional and intellectual requirements are stiffly increasing.

It won't be long before a simple kiss and hug won't fix their boo-boo's.  I already have to think more, communicate better - and in short, I am having to learn how to be a master negotiator.  Pulitzer Prize nominee Ann Crittenden writes of this in her book, If You've Raised Kids, You Can Manage Anything, which asserts that more women should be managerial executives - as a result of, not in spite of, their experience in child rearing.

Parenting, I am learning, is not a dictatorship.  Sure, I can run one of those for a time, but after a while - ordering them around not only won't work, but it will, I believe, backfire.  It may create forced good behavior for a time, but it will not build a mutually respectful and meaningful relationship with my children. And that's exactly the type I want - a parent/child relationship with deep, loving roots.

One of my spiritual mentors told me once that he and his wife set a goal in raising their children, and he encouraged all parents to do the same.  Their goal as parents was to "raise their children so that they would want to come back and visit them one day."  Although on the surface it sounds trite - it really is a genius mission statement for parenting.

I never forgot his words. When my children were born, my husband and I adopted the same mission statement. If it was good enough for my spiritual mentor, I reasoned it was good enough for us.

Getting back to parenting. I am struggling.  I have to admit that, and if you asked any parent and they were honest, they would admit the same.  We all struggle as parents. I am not sure how to handle or how I will handle my childrens' increasingly complex (and very different) personalities. I don't want to make a mistake and leave emotional scars - so sometimes I am paralyzed with fear - not sure whether or not I am making the right decision(s) as a parent.

Since my children were born I have been steadily buying and reading books on parenting.  It started with books on the anthropology of parenting, which really got me thinking about how the American way was NOT the only way and by far not the BEST way (in many cases). 

After educating myself about anthropology, and with my background in neuroscience and pediatric physiological development, I realized I wanted a more compassionate approach to parenting, which led me to some of the books and resources you'll find below.  But first, let me introduce a wonderful new person I have recently met, albeit virtually, online.  She is an advocate, not just about compassionate parenting, but for compassionate thinking and world peace. 


Her name is Dr. Riane Eisler.  She is a longtime women's advocate and is co-founder of the Center for Partnership Studies and SAIV.   The organizations are dedicated to "building a culture of gender and racial equity, economic justice, and sustainable environment," and stopping violence, respectively.

A few weeks ago I sat down with Dr. Eisler during a webinar on Caring Economics.  The webinar was very informative and has underscored my own mission as a women's activist. Afterwards, I began to study Dr. Eisler's sites and learned more about her work.  I realized that my passion for being a better parent had a lot to do with Dr. Eisler's work. 

As a parent, If I discuss parenting in "yogic" (which has nothing to do with religion) terms - I would describe my desires for parenting like this:

I want my children to grow up in a safe environment without fear of violence or discrimination - and with well balanced physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health.  In other words, I want to parent non-violently and compassionately within a koshic model. 

And so - in simple terms - using that model means that I teach them, on a daily basis, that with our two hands - we can accomplish great things - like taking care of the planet, helping others, and helping ourselves.  Dr. Eisler's is working to carry that message across the globe, and it has been recognized and endorsed by many people.

It is in researching Dr. Eisler's sites that I came across a parenting guide she has endorsed.  The Caring and Connected Parenting Guide, which has also been endorsed by renowned pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, Nobel Peace Prize Laureates Desmond Tutu and Betty Williams, pediatrician Laura Jana, psychiatrist and author Daniel Siegel.

I hope you will enjoy reading and using the guide as much as I have. Download the free Caring and Connected Parenting Guide

Other Resources:

Building Cultures of Peace
Investing in our Human Infrastructure

Dr. Brazelton's book, Touchpoints
Birth to 3
3-6

Dr. Siegel's book, Parenting from the Inside Out

Dr. Jana's books

Dr. Sear's and Martha Sear's Book on Early Parenting (This book challenges the typically accepted American status quo on early parenting. I loved it, and so did my kids.):
Attachment Parenting

Green Mothering and Parenting
Natural Family Living, by Mothering Magazine's Peggy O'Mara

*Photo was taken of me and my oldest son, who loves to give me flowers on an (almost) daily basis.

Stillness This Season

How do you find a moment's peace during the busiest (and unfortunately the most consumer driven!) time of the year?

Recently, a student of mine wrote a poem and sent it to me. She wrote, inspired by the progress she had made during the brief time I worked with her using Elemental Renewal. Through our work she rediscovered her strength, discipline, and appreciation of a slower and deliberately minimized approach to living, breathing, and moving.

Here is the poem she shared with me.

Stillness
K. Hudson
written on Emerald Isle, NC
November 7, 2009

Let me let the stillness be.
Let me let the "me" by "Me."
In face of You sometimes I flee,
rushing, doing, busily.

Let me let the stillness be.
Let me slow and breathe and see.
Let me feel my hand touch Me.
Let my heart rise and break free.

Just who is it that must allow?
Who bars the way, the path, the how?
Who uses fear to bend and bow?
Is it me who blocks the Now?

Let me let the stillness be
I choose then Now to trust, to see,
accept the fear, embrace that Me.
I love and let You. I am free.

And when I let you work in Me
I finally let the stillness be
And in that Being then I see
In the stillness, You are Me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Her poem is an impassioned plea we should all hear.
Stop and Be Still. Know the reason, whether or not you believe, that we celebrate this Season. It exists and persists to spread Hope, Compassion, Grace, and above all, Love.
Share Joy with someone today. Because we are all intertwined, when you Embrace others, you yourself will be Embraced.

Stop Stress In Its Tracks, Day 3

Okay ladies, here are my last "real time" stress busters (for this week anyway).

1. Stress scenario: There is not enough time in the day to get everything done.
2. Solution: This is a tough one, but we must tackle it.

Identify time wasters:

• Cut out TV. Completely. Even get rid of your TV. We did in 2004. We only recently got a small one so our kids can watch their DVD's. Public television is the only channel my children watch now. My husband and I only watch State of the Union addresses, or in the case of an election year, we watch the political debates. Instead of wasting our time with TV, if we want to watch something important, we will order it via our Netflix account. In addition, there is no TV during any family time, such as dinners, and no more than 2 PBS shows or 1 movie (i.e. the time it takes to watch a movie) a day.
  
• Cut back on Internet. We connect to the world via the Internet, so we get what we need and not what we don't (ads, silly pop culture, violence on the evening news, etc.). I use the Internet for reading news, work, shopping, and some social and professional media (once/week usually). However we can still have the tendency to surf the net too much. Now we observe the following: No Internet or computers during the dinner hour, between 5-8 pm. No Internet during any family time. This means no texting, no cell phones, no TV, no outside interruption. Same goes for email. As I mentioned previously, try to only check your email two times a day. Hovering over your email all day is not productive.
  
• Get rid of your land line & then don't answer your cell phone. I stand by my Grandfather Garner's philosophy. "Say what you need to say, and get off the phone." Yes, even as a teenager, I stood firm on this philosophy. If you do not need a land line, then get rid of it. It will also save you some money each month. I only use my cell phone when I absolutely must. My whole family knows I do not like to use the phone. Now my cell phone rings only when the caller has something important to say.
• Don't buy tabloids or fluff magazines. Yes, I have been known to read a copy of House Beautiful as intensely as I teach a yoga class. However, our society should know better than to fuel pop culture demand for gossip magazines. You know, the ones that discuss celebrity's private lives and make us feel either good or bad about our self image. It's easy. Just don't do it. Put that money you would spend into your children's' stock portfolios.
• Don't overdo a task. This is similar to talking on the phone. Only do it if you must. Think about what you are going to do before you are going to do it. For example, making a grocery list. I have this nifty list that divides whole foods into categories, so you can check a box and then go straight to that section in the store. No time wasted and no impulse buys.
  
• Get rid of the clutter. This applies at several levels.
  

1. Don't bring junk mail into the house. Stand at your recycling bin and toss it as soon as you take it out of the mailbox. We all know physical clutter, this includes extra body weight, can create mental clutter. Better yet, take action to reduce or eliminate receipt of junk mail altogether.
   
2. Get rid of one item for each new item you purchase. This especially applies to clothing and furnishings. Stop consumerism.
3. Don't have a junk drawer. I don't. Every drawer in my house has a purpose. There is no need to waste a drawer, or any storage space, to hold junk. Either the junk can be re purposed, given away to someone who won't consider it junk, recycled, or trashed.
   

• Make things hover. I know this one is strange, but it is my favorite. My husband can vouch for that. Carefully plan your rooms. The more things you have sitting on the floor, the more cluttered (and less usable) a room feels. For anything that remains in one spot more than a week, you need a designated place and storage method for it. Mail, laundry (dirty and clean and the stuff that is in the "holding" area to be put away, ironed, or taken to the cleaners), reusable grocery totes, hats, shoes, wine. I try to create proper storage so things can "hover" - that way, I can whisk around the room and tidy up in a flash. Shockingly, I have no problem with my family, including my husband, leaving things all over the house. If you create a practical, user friendly method for organization, then it will be easier for your family to use that that to leave it on the floor. Trust me. Making things hover really works.
  

1. Stress: Immediate overload. You need help now!
2. Solution:

• 10 minutes of Yoga. I used to practice for 90 minutes a day on average. Now, I actually practice for no more than 30 minutes 4-6 times a week, and am in better shape. (yes, I know. less is more.) Some days though, especially when my children were infants, I only got 10 minutes. It still got my pre-baby body back, and I had instant stress relief. Follow me on You Tube to get fit.
  
• Time away from kids, or your job, etc. This can be anywhere from 10 minutes to 10 days! I know it is obvious, but as women, we never have time away. Take it today. Recharge.
  
• Pray. Return to your spiritual roots. Faith and hope are our greatest weapons against burnout and stress. Believe. Meditate. Begin your day with hope. You can do it anywhere.
  
• Volunteer. The surest way to help yourself is to help others. I observe my boundaries (see day 1 and 2 blog), but because I have identified and eliminated time wasters, I still have time to give. And, I am teaching my children a valuable lesson about helping those in need.
  
• Focus on relationship building. We are not created to be independent, solitary, isolated creatures. Human beings were created for relationship. Cultivate them.
• Count your blessings. Recognize milestones. Look at what you have accomplished, rather than what you have not. You are amazing!

3. Overall Benefits: More time for You. More time for Others. A Greater Appreciation for the human race. A second (or third) chance to Live and Love Life. A great way to Live in Gratitude.

Now I am going to settle into my own stress relief mode. Starting today, I am unplugging from technology for 1 whole week.
Yes, I am practicing what I preach.
"See" you in 1 week.

Stop Stress In Its Tracks

Sometimes it creeps up on you, sometimes it crashes into you, sometimes it consumes you, but frequently it seems, stress seems to be just around the next corner. My day is going smoothly, and then something ALWAYS happens to interrupt my "zen" flow.

Reality! You wake up late or you wake up too early. You forget your cell phone or you accidentally wash (and dry!) your cell phone (me with pregnant brain during my second pregnancy). You grocery shop and then leave the groceries at the store (my cousin and dear friend, right after the birth of her second child). You make up your child's bed neatly and, in the meantime, he or she is hard at work sabotaging your latest manuscript (kids love laptops, especially mine!). You go to work to provide family financial stability, but in the end you have no time to spend with the family you are working so hard for.

Mothers, the original gurus of multi-tasking, can have a pretty long "stress" list. In fact, the more we multi-task, the more stressed and less efficient we become. (can I get an amen there?)

So this week, I will share "real time" stress relief secrets. This means I will offer up stress relief tips that work in real life - like the ones I use while I try to get my kids to nap so I can finish this blog or the ones I use when the kids spew their oatmeal at each other as I (try to) concentrate on answering work email - you know - that kind of "real time".

Even now, as I work, I am listening to my oldest sing his own nonstop rendition (by request) of happy birthday to his brother (it's not his birthday) while they "nap." So here it goes....

7 Ways to Stop Mommy/Wife Stress In Its Tracks:

1. Stressful Scenario: The kids are not listening to you (boy if I had a nickel for every time this happened).
   
2. Solution: Whisper, don't shout. I use to shout, but after a year of chronically losing my voice I learned something neat. When I spoke in a tone closer to a whisper than a shout, my kids listened more. Also, stick around until you get the results you are looking for. In yoga speak, this means helping a student align their pose, then not moving on to the next student until they have achieved the safe alignment you want. The same is true with children. To get them to nap, I hung around outside their bedroom door. (I recently moved them into a shared room, so bed time has gotten very interesting.) Each time I would hear little feet on the floor, I would open the door and calmly remind them to stay in their beds. I also tossed in a carrot - I told them "we will have more time for fun after their nap if they go to sleep now." The results were profound.
3. Benefit: You don't have to get anymore headaches from listening to your head roar. You can prevent wrinkles from not having to twist up your face in exasperation all the time. Your posture will improve because you can take the time to bend down on one knee and explain to them why they are in trouble, instead of hunching over or throwing your head back to get your voice to travel the furthest distance at the loudest volume possible. Lastly, your shouts become more effective when they are truly needed (like a dangerous situation of running into traffic, etc.), They will be less likely to think you are "crying wolf" and will be much more receptive to you. I get lots more "I wuv you's (I love you's) from my kids for shouting less and speaking gently more.

1. Scenario: Your husband is not listening to you. (hmm, another nickel anyone?)
2. Solution: One of my biggest pet peeves is repeating myself. And, there is nothing worse than repeating yourself when no one is listening. So when this scenario arises, I remind myself that no one is a perfect listener. In addition, not many people digest information after they've only heard it once. (can anyone pass that physics or biology test after only reading the information once?) Remind yourself that everyone is fragile and you are not the center of the universe. Your husband is likely as stressed as you are. Ask him what he may need to get off his chest as well. The fact is, how well can you pay attention to details if you are already overwhelmed with information (aka hyper stimulated)? If these reminders do not work, send your partner an email or write a short letter. Consider it a "love letter". A means for really slowing down to say what you mean. When is the last time you wrote one a love letter to your partner? Do it today. Lastly, try to avoid working out problems during chaotic times. I am not a procrastinator. In fact, I am the anti-thesis of a procrastinator. But for working on marital bliss with your partner, sometimes procrastination is a good thing. Instead of trying to work through a disagreement while the kids are also melting down, postpone it. The immediacy of what you disagreed over will subside. Let yourself mellow for a while (not steep!), and see if you can speak about it when the situation has calmed itself.
   
3. Benefit: Improved communication, hands down. By far, the biggest troublemaker in a relationship is lack of or ineffective communication. Usually, it is because of anger or expectations. (i.e. You get angry because expectations were not met. For example, "I thought you were going to pick up the groceries. or I thought Friday was our date night? or I cannot believe you said that to me.") Explain what you mean, without animosity or hidden agenda. If you cannot do it out loud, do it in writing. Many times, you can explain things better if you write them out first, and you are less likely to let anger dictate your speech.

Stay tuned...5 More Stress Busters to come this week!

*photo taken in June of this year during a trip to Grandfather mountain. ...a typical day in the life of any mother....

Giving Tree Found

The wisdom gleaned from motherhood, and parenthood, truly permeates the soul and holds eternal value.

Now as Friday's go, people are usually relieved to reach a week's end. Last Friday was no different, as the week had been particularly stressful as week's go.

So last Friday my 3.5 year old son was sharing a moment with me while I was doing a quick "hat" change (going from work day to evening play). I was mentally reviewing the week's stress and previewing the upcoming week's tasks when, in an attempt to gain my attention, he pointed to a painting of a tree, one I've had for ages that hangs in our bathroom.

He said, "look mom, it's the giffing twee! (no typo - this is what he said, but what he actually meant was "look mom, it's the Giving Tree")." I had checked out "The Giving Tree" at our local library a week earlier, and it has since become my son's favorite book. Clearly, he has been affected by Shel's book.

More wisdom from the mouth of babes. I knew that I was failing to see priorities clearly in that moment, and was too caught up in the remains of the day (and those of future days) to consider what (who) was in front of me, and what was passing me by as a result of my own self-centered interests.

I was convicted in my tracks. I stopped all my thoughts, everything I was doing, knelt down beside him and put my arm around him so we could look up at the big tree painting together.

"Yes," I said, "that IS the giving tree. How amazing! Thank you Michael for reminding me. I never want to forget this moment. Ever." He glowed with contentment.

I knew who my giving tree was that day.

Who is your giving tree today?


*The Giving Tree, written by Shel Silverstein in 1964, is a book about a tree who loves a little boy, so much that she does a very surprising thing for the little boy.

Citing My Weaknesses

Conjoining motherhood with being a business owner is hard. I would maybe insert an expletive adjective prior to "hard" - truth be known. However, this site is rated "G."

Yesterday morning I could have preempted disaster if I could have thwarted my usual weaknesses.

However, here is how the morning unfolded:

Before 7 AM:

The morning started as usual, which means I was rudely awakened and to great surprise. This morning's surprise was hearing my younger son being fed an impromptu breakfast of "veggie straws (chips)" by his older brother while still in his crib, each of them in their respective sagging, soaking diaper and underwear, nonetheless. After cleaning up crushed chips and urine soaked sheets (which makes a nice paste), our contractor knocked on the door (our house has been under construction for renovations since August 2008) and pointed at a typical scene on the front porch - a big pile of poo, lovingly left by my older toddler while he was watching the trash truck this morning (which loudly clamors up the hill to our home no later than 7 am three times a week). Of course by then the "gift" had been out for an hour on our eastern facing deck (based on the trash truck schedule), working itself into a nice baked aroma - unmatched by any other.

The easiest way to clean that up was with a plastic bag and the water hose, I thought - which at that point I just drug (hose) through the house from the side door to the front door. Meanwhile, my younger son managed to get into black magic marker, and I wondered about the endless cycle of cleaning non-washable "washable" magic marker off the tables and walls since I put their "art tub" within their grasp in an attempt to foster their creativity. Hmm.
Maybe I'll rethink that one.

During the cleaning of that mess, the contractor knocked on the door again to poke his head in and announce that our dog had been found. I was not aware that our dog was missing, actually. So I went outside, this was about 8:20, which tells you I had barely even gotten dressed yet. There was a very nice elderly man, a dog lover, who kindly brought our dog home when he could not reach my on my cell phone (from our dog's collar identifier) and said he found him down at the public pier - and he looked awfully tired. His wife agreed, and so after profuse thanks and apology I took our 14 year old chocolate labrador retriever inside - who was happy to get into the A/C and drink fresh water.

During that time, I realized it was no less than 90 degrees outside and I needed sunglasses on secondary to having sensitive eyes (I had to get the boys outside to play. soon.) - so I went upstairs to put my contacts in (a must if I want to see my hand in front of my face). I realized the boys had gotten into their leftover eggs and milk from breakfast while I was talking to the nice man and woman who returned our dog, and so I needed to get them out of the house fast - to get some of their energy out.

While I was putting my contacts in the boys decided to start a door slamming race through their bedrooms and bathroom. With my finger in my eye I could not get downstairs to stop them from torturing our house (especially the sheetrock). As the slamming of doors got more violent, I rushed harder to put my contacts in - which of course - were revolting being put into my eyes. Door slams, door slams again, now an even louder slam, shrieking, somebody starts to cry, more door slams....sawing noises, hammer noises (oh yea - the contractors on the new roof out front)

By the time I got downstairs - there were perfect "door lock" sized dents in all the sheetrock behind each of the slammed doors. I believe steam was coming out of my ears at this point, so I decided at least 5 minutes in their rooms, understood as unequivocally not coming out of their rooms - was needed before my head exploded. And of course, so I could do a little pranayama (breathing) damage control.

It was 9:45 AM.

Of course, none of what I mentioned so far included completing my corporate duties as a CEO, clinical practice as a therapist, or my volunteer responsibilities with 2 not for profits. I did manage to get in 4 hours of work on those items and still manage to help my husband hang sheet rock on the ceiling of our new (almost completed) garage.

That carried me through to a workday which ended at 8 PM.

So what in this story exposes my weaknesses? Well, the story is real, and it happens each day I am with my boys, give or take a few accidental eye jabs (I got two of those I forgot to mention) or paint on the floors or rugs (that was today), and always with at least one aching head from the high pitched squeals of delight & persistent whining. Being a mother - always serves to humble me, to remind me of what is most important, and of course, give me a thoroughly exhausting cardiovascular and strength workout and a real reason (as if there aren't 100) to follow through and have daily yoga practice and prayer/meditation. My corporate and clinical jobs are wonderful, but do little to shape my character and fortitude the way being a mother has. As many moms say - being a mother is the toughest job you'll ever love (and sometimes it feels like you are actually in boot camp or combat too).

It is said in Christian texts that "in your weakness you are made strong." In the yoga sutras it is written that we should be aware of our weaknesses, because it is precisely when we think we have conquered them that they will rise and overtake us. I believe that.
In my weakness, I am reminded I always can use:

• more patience
• a better sense of humor
• a lighter heart and less serious countenance
• a real sense of prioritizing work and family knowing how fast my children will grow
• a continuous unending dose of prayer and yoga
• a flexible schedule which can actually flex (within limits) to adapt for family needs

If you have not tried listing the things which you consider to be your weaknesses - you should give it a try. The reason is not to be judgmental or critical or harsh - because mothers and women - we are too hard on ourselves already. The reason is to liberate yourself -

Liberate Yourself (from fear of failure & encourage priority driven actions)

I am not perfect & no one is perfect that dwells on this earth. My short "confession" through story telling is my way of helping others through their difficult times. My difficult or meek moments can help others through inspiration or comraderie - a sharing of humanity and its burdens with one another.

1. Make the list of things you know you need a "little" reminder about - taking deep breaths BEFORE you speak, not letting the "sun go down" on your anger, getting your daily multi-vitamin in -
   
2. Let it be a list to help you be better, not bitter. Email it to yourself or post it inside your medicine cabinet - somewhere you look everyday.
   
3. Let it help you keep your top three most important things in your life (for me they are unshakably & eternally ordered) - in their proper top three places.
4. We all need a little reminder of the things we already know. What good is a high powered high paying job if you do not have your health? What good is wealth amassed on earth if you have lost your soul and stepped on others backs while climbing the corporate ladder? What good is belittling those who sacrifice much to raise and care for children - when it is precisely those people who have the GREATEST influence on the future of our country, and in the world? Value yourself, and value others - everyone has Worth.

*photo taken of the Bogue sound in 2004, off the shore of the same pier which my dog was found yesterday morning

Clouds of Light

When I look at my children, I feel different things. Let's be honest, we don't always feel warm and fuzzy when we see our kids, especially when they are covered in poo, magic marker, syrup, or a combination of all three - and part of that concoction is on the sofa and walls. Sometimes, when I look at my children, as cute as they are, I feel different emotions. Like a roller coaster, sometimes I look at their faces and I feel consumed, frustrated, loved, exasperated, fatigued, bewildered, humbled, confused...sometimes all at the same time! But one thing never changes. I always feel love. Despite the other surface emotions which may dictate an immediate feeling, I always do and will love them. I love them, and see a measure of Perfection, of Divine, of God, in them. Looking through the transparent innocence of their eyes is the closest I will ever get to a glimpse of Heaven while I am here on earth, because they are fresh from Heaven, delivered into my arms.
Thank goodness others see and feel that too. Unconditional love could be the title of this amazing poem by William Martin, but that would be too overt. However, unconditional love is the proverb and underlying message of what we should continually give to our children, and to each other. Let's remind ourselves as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends - we are nurturing the next responsible generation.

Clouds of Light

They look so small and frail

but they are so great and magnificent.

They are born of the same womb

that birthed the cosmos

and knitted together the galaxies.

If you could see them as they truly are,

you would be astounded.

You would see not little children

but dancing clouds of light,

energy in motion,

swimming in an ocean of love.

They are so much more

than what you see.

As are you.

By William Martin

*photo was taken just a few hours after my second son was born, 2007.

What A Difference A Day Makes

"What a difference a year makes." I know the power of this statement - at least three times over. Three times in my life I would have never dreamed that circumstances would turn out as they did.

The first is my marriage. What a surprise, so pleasant, never expected, and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The second is my first son's arrival, Michael, into our lives.

The third is Michael's sickness. Maybe there are others too, but none as significant and earth moving as those three. I thank God I do not know His ultimate plan for my life - the smallness of my humanity could not endure the shock of Truth, nor would I then ever learn to walk by faith.

At the same time I am thankful there is a God that I believe is in control, because I believe that that nothing we endure or suffer is ever in vain. All adversity is part of "fighting the Good fight and running the race to completion". We cannot be the judge of what is "success and pleasure or failure and pain" - as what the world considers to be a failure or pain may ultimately be the best thing that ever happens to you.

I know that through all struggles and pain, good can come - like the phoenix from the ashes.

I am infinitely thankful today for my adversity. Today is Earth Day, but to me it is Michael's Surgery Day. I will always recall this date with a tightening in my heart that causes pain - but that pain can also be recognized as growing pains for wisdom and love.

On Michael's Surgery Day, forever ingrained in my soul is the memory of handing Michael over to the surgical team and watching one of the team carry him away, our tiny son draped over her shoulder in his hospital gown, the gown too big for his tiny body, Michael hugging her, a stranger, and clutching his Snoopy and little blanket. My heart ached to take his place. My heart's seams were being stretched in a way I did not know was possible.

On Michael's Surgery Day, my heart grew and expanded as I traveled to a place I had never been before. Through His suffering, my heart expanded and increased my ability to know compassion and to love greater - everyone who suffers, especially the little children.

On Michael's Surgery Day, my heart's memory will always recall the Waiting. As my husband and I stood on the pediatric floor (we could not possibly sit down in the waiting room during those 5 hours) I happened to gaze out the window at about the fifth hour. Michael's tiny hospital bed, surrounded by the surgical team, was there - being wheeled by as I by chance happened to look out that window, across a courtyard and through a bank of windows that opened onto a hallway. His bed and he were completely draped and connected to every line possible. When I happened to look out that window and caught that 1 second glimpse, those seams of my heart tore and broke open. My heart bled freely and my legs gave way, but in that moment I lifted my head and gave thanks. That glimpse meant Michael was coming back to us.

On Michael's Surgery Day, that 1 second glimpse was followed by the horrendous wait before we finally saw him. We were choking inside as we treaded down that pediatric ICU hallway, until we finally saw him in his bed, his Snoopy laying beside him as witness to his life saving surgery, while we stood in his ICU room - breath stolen from our lungs as we watched him laying there, a ventilator breathing for him, a chest tube draining blood and fluid from his heart and chest, and every arterial and vein line possible connected to his tiny 28 month old body.

On Michael's Surgery Day, Earth Day, I struggle to find the connection between the two - and the only words I can find to even speak say this: I am thankful for both of God's gifts to me.

Michael is my firstborn son, infinitely and immeasurably dear to me, while this planet Earth is God's firstborn child and gift to us. We should be treating this planet like we care for our own child. When my son hurts, when he was so sick - and when our planet hurts and now is so sick - our hearts should tighten and we should gasp for breath. We should move to act out of compassion and love to fix it, to nurture it, to help it grow. Like the pain of our children becomes our pain - the pain of this earth should be ours too. Our hearts should burst at the seams - and yearn to love greater. Our ability to love and feel love should grow when we collectively experience pain and suffering because our Earth is suffering. Earth is suffering just like the children on this Earth are suffering and will suffer needlessly if we do not act to embrace, love, and nurture this gift of planet Earth that God has granted us.

If we love our children we must love planet earth. If we do not protect planet Earth as our precious child, then we do not love our children. So when you recycle, you are loving your children, even if you have no biological children. When you reduce and reuse and repurpose, you are demonstrating love. Earth is our only home and if we destroy it, we are heartlessly destroying our childrens' future.

There is a Divine connection between Michael's Surgery Day and
Earth Day. This Day for me will always remind me to Love. Love my
children. Love the Earth. It should also do the same for you. Because 1 year, just 1 day - can make a world of difference.

*photo, april 23, 2008 Michael and Ginger awaiting transfer from pediatric ICU

My Greatest Lesson In Yoga

Five Second Eternity

Today, I was hurrying Michael (my 3 year old) into his car seat as William (my 18 month old) was sleepy and they were both hungry. I wanted to get them home right away, fed, and to naptime, before one of them imploded (or me).

I put them in the car, buckled in William, told Michael to do the same, and then I got in the front seat, buckled in, started the car, arranged all the items and bags, when Michael asked for “hep”. I got out and groaned – “jeez, Michael, let's go...”. “Focus”, and I pointed to my eyes, “focus Michael!”

Just then he looked up at me, the reflection in his eyes so innocent and with such a clarity that struck my soul and put everything around me in slow motion....then, without any strife or reaction to my actions, he tried to put his little fingers into a sign. He looked at them for a second, and knitted his toddler brow as if to say – "please help me express myself." Once he had his fingers they way he wanted he looked back into my brown eyes with his big, clear, innocent, brown eyes and signed, “I love you."

The whole word melted like snow – and all my superficial concerns with it. I just stared at my son’s tiny hand, signing “I love you”, and I was amazed and humbled. How could a three year old, my three year old son, have such wisdom and a peace that passes all understanding – in the midst of a stressful moment for him, especially when all he knows in this world, his own mother, was being impatient and short with him?

After that, he signed “ I love you” again, and I also signed and carefully matched my fingers up to his sign. He loves that – and that got a big smile from him and a kiss and a hug – his biggest "signature" Michael smile - and said “yes, kisses and hugs for mommy." I received 7 kisses.

My world was perfect as I got back into the front seat and backed out of the parking lot to take them home for their lunch and nap.

All of that transpired in mere minutes, and his loving action took no longer than my rough, impatient action. Mere minutes, we should remind ourselves, make all the difference in the world.

Of all the BIG lessons in the world we can learn or be reminded of, unconditional love may just be the most important.

Today, I was reminded by my 3 year old, in a 5 second lesson that will span eternity, of how to love unconditionally.

There are a few Truths in life, and one of them is this, Mother Teresa said, "If you want world peace, go home and love your family." If I am at all a success, in terms of eternal and not worldly value, in my dharma as a teacher of yoga, it is because of my children. Yes, my children are my greatest yoga teachers. As parents, our children teach us perhaps more than we teach them.

*photos are of Michael doing his own practice

This morning was no exception

I am never ceased to be amazed at the depth of knowledge these yoga therapist's in training demonstrate during their clinical case study presentations. You could hear a pin drop this morning as groups of therapists came together to discuss neuromuscular yoga therapy management, each telling their stories and giving their compassionate perspective on how they might more fully understand and therefore, offer better treatment solutions and outcomes, to their patients in light of the new knowlege they have gained from their studies this week.

Heart chakras and tear ducts alike - were well receptively and expressively open.
What a fantastic group of students this graduating class will be!

I truly believe that graduates from this program, because of their extensive medical education, clinical experience, research experience, and yoga therapist training, have the very unique opportunity to compassionately bring massive, radical change to the health care system and its methods of delivery in the United States. Get ready America!