Parenting: Do You Fit In?

This past week as I was getting my usual daily allowance of news (online) and doing a little light research for work I ran across this article on parenting in the "Healthland" section of Time Magazine.  From reading its title - "Does Having Kids Make Parents Delusional?" - I (mistakenly) thought it was an article based on solid science of finding work and life balance in parenting.  But boy-oh-boy - was I ever wrong.

The "Healthland" section of Time features the subheading description, "A Healthy Balance of the Mind, Body, and Spirit."  Yet at one point the the writer, a senior columnist at Time magazine, compares the futility of raising children to "the same reason you keep spending money to fix up an old car when it just doesn't work — or keep investing in the same company when it's failing. Humans throw good money after bad all the time." Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/04/why-having-kids-is-foolish/#ixzz1G1P1Aj6c

I am willing to bet many other people feel the same way I do when I say - the author has clearly forgotten that he is, in fact, someone's child. The child of a couple who made sacrifices, out of love, to raise him. The child of a couple who probably realized that life is not just about a series of easy successes, won without hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. The child of a couple who at some point realized that life is not just about chasing your own selfish desires.

But the author goes on write, "Our national fantasy about the joys of parenting permeates the culture...Does this mean you shouldn't have kids? Yes — but you won't." Writing an article with derogatory overtones against families in America (not to mention that Time would even publish such a nonsensical article - being that Time would not even exist if it wasn't for the parents who conceived the idea, the business, and the people that work there) - reveals a sad and disheartening fact about America today...

If Americans think like this writer, then we are ironically in danger of becoming, if we are not already, a culture of snotty nosed, self-centered, intolerant brats.  

Fitting In?

Who would want to fit into a culture that tries to invalidate the miraculous and beautiful responsibility of raising up the future of our Nation? Hopefully no one, because if we did, we would eventually cease to exist.  Any remaining existence would be built upon self-centered action fueled completely by an individual's desire to succeed - without any regard for the well being of the greater good.  We would see a world where only self-ambition was counted as worthy or valuable.

Full Circle Attitude(s)

Parenting is worthwhile and necessary.  Cradled in the arms of mothers and fathers - across this country - you will find the future of this Nation.  President Obama, in his inaugural address, addressed parenting and the inherent value of American family directly - calling it a "public service." Here is the full quote: 

“As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.”
“For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.”

So do you fit in as a parent? as a mother? as a father? According to the science used in the article not only do you not fit into current culture, but you (as a parent) are so delusional that you overestimate the joys and rewards of parenting.

The author says that instead, you should be pursuing your own wants and desires and hire end of life care (its cheaper than having children) rather than becoming "suckered" into becoming a parent.

However I believe, just as I would guess most all parents do, that giving birth to and nurturing this fragile human life - is not only a worthwhile task - but is the most important job and privileged responsibility to which we will ever commit ourselves. Fitting in is not even a question - since through raising children we determine the future of America.

The Yoga of Parenting

Rising above the  need to "fit in" is a timely lesson we can all learn in the Yoga of Parenting (which also applies to this nice young senior writer at Time, who probably is not a parent).

• Act deliberately for positive change. There is no time to waste, it is later than it seems. Parents can say with confidence, "I'm working for positive change in this world. What are you doing?"  Or to borrow from the screenplay in the movie, The Departed, "I'm the guy doing my job...you must be the other guy."  There is no time to fruitlessly contribute to any movement which does not seek positive change or that tears down the inherent value and worth in others.
• Everyone has worth.  Building up the parents of this nation - will build up the children of this nation - which will ultimately strengthen us all. 
  
• Surround yourself with supportive people.  Be encouraged by other parents who genuinely feel positive about parenting and take their responsibility seriously. Nurturing the next responsible generation cannot be invalidated by a single person, organization, or even a wayward nation. 
• Practice what we preach. Our actions speak louder than words - and our children are watching.  Practice meditation, self-reflection, prayer, deep breathing, and/or what grounds you as a parent - to keep your focus on what is most important. Otherwise, we can get sidetracked with what the world says is valuable - career status, financial wealth, the size of our home(s), the make/model of our car, or where we vacation.
  
• Stay positive. Parents, be encouraged in your dedication to your children.  You are appreciated by those who do know that children are our most valuable resource, as well as the delight of our heart.  
• Have an attitude of gratitude. Thank all the parents you know who you see day in and day out - doing their best and making sacrifices so that the world can be a better place for everyone. Thank them for being wise enough to recognize that their children determine our collective future.

A comment from one parent..."I raise my children for my children and for the future of the world, not for me.  I enjoy the benefits of parenthood that the author speaks about as an illusion...if in fact most of the world does think like this author, then we are on our way out as citizens of this planet." What do you think?


*photo taken on my sons' first family outing to Washington D.C. July 2010

Cultivating Compassion in Children

This week's guest blog is by author and activist for children and gentle parenting, Licia Rando. This post is Part Two in a series on Compassionate Parenting.  

We all want a more compassionate world, but how do we help to make it that way? Guiding the next generation in compassion ensures a better future for us all. Here are some ways to begin cultivating compassion in the children under your care.

Be loving and compassionate with your children. 

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame, studies empathy and moral development.  She tells us that children need to be held and to have their needs met to develop the neural responses necessary to feel for others. “Part of what is being shaped by caregiver touch and responsivity is the neuroendocrine system, which plays a large role in managing stressful situations and bonding to others throughout life.”
Bruce Perry, child trauma expert and psychiatrist tells us, “Babies are born with two important skills that prepare them for empathy --the ability to imitate facial gestures and the automatic response in which the cries of other infants cause them to cry as well.” Both of these actions involve mirror neurons.  These cells fire when we perform an activity and they fire when we see someone else perform an activity, but less intensely. Someone else’s smile or tears triggers a response in our brains.  This response enables us to feel another’s pain or joy.

Help your child learn to read emotions on faces.

Make happy, sad and mad faces at your baby and name them for her.  Show her picture books that focus on simple feelings. At 1-2 years, when your baby is frowning say, “You look sad”. This helps her to know her inner world which is necessary to feeling what someone else feels. As your child reaches 2-3 years, ask her to make faces for the emotions you name, extend the feelings to include surprised, excited, hurt, and scared. While reading together, look at the illustrations and identify the feelings of the characters.  As the stories get more complex, ask what the character feels and why she or he might feel that way. Also ask if your child remembers feeling this way. Extend this to your day to day living. When you see a child at the park get hit, ask your child what he thinks that child is feeling.  Ask what you might do to make the child feel better.

Help your child act compassionately.

Your compassionate acts will have the most influence on your child learning to act with compassion. Also help your child to perform his own compassionate acts. Ask him to draw a picture or give a gift of something he knows someone else would like and give it.
Keep in mind that children under 18 months are unable to determine a different desire than their own. A study by Repacholi and Gotnick gave children bowls containing either broccoli or goldfish.  The children preferred the goldfish. Researchers made faces expressing disgust with goldfish and a like of broccoli.  When the researchers asked for more of the food they liked, the children instead gave them the food they themselves enjoyed (broccoli or goldfish) until the children were 18 months of age. Children not only need to identify feelings to develop compassion, they need to see that others may have different viewpoints than they themselves have. 

Help your children be mindful of good acts at every age. 

In my grade 2-3 religious education class, children recorded their good acts in a small notebook. Then in class each child placed a gem in a jar for each good act they performed and each act they witnessed someone else perform. Giving gems for seeing someone else perform a good act serves as a model for the child, someone to imitate. When the jar was full of jewels, we had a party to celebrate. This was one of their favorite activities.  I also told them to observe the receiver of the kind act’s facial and bodily response, to see how their kind acts affect others. This would serve as an immediate reward.

Encourage schools, clubs and places of worship to provide opportunities.

Help make dinner at a shelter, collect canned goods, clothes, baby items, etc. Older children will find projects more meaningful if they have input into which organizations to help. Our older Girl Scouts voted to help the animal rescue league and to collect books for flooded libraries.
When we parent to cultivate compassion in our children, we produce beings who are able to feel what others feel and to act on their behalf. If all over the world parents united in this cause, we could assure a more compassionate world - a legacy for all our children.

Licia Rando is the author of the picture book The Warmest Place of All and Caring and Connected Parenting: A Guide to Raising Connected Children.
The guide is endorsed by pediatricians T. Berry Brazelton, MD and Laura Jana, MD. Daniel Siegel, PhD, author of Mindsight and co-author of  Parenting from the Inside OutEisler, author of The Real Wealth of Nations. The guide is available free on-line at www.liciarando.com or www.saiv.net

Sources

1.   D. P. F. Montague  & Walker-Andrews, A. S. Mothers, Fathers, and Infants: The Role of Familiarity and Parental Involvement in Infants’ Perception of Emotion Expressions. Child Development, 73, No. 5, 1339-1352. 2002.

2.   Narvaez, Darcia, Why Do Kids Who Are Held and Cuddled Become More Empathetic Adults?

Darcia Narvaez Answers. Oct.5, 2010. 

3.   Bruce Perry, M.D.,Ph.D.and Maia Szalavitz,  Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential—and Endangered, William Morrow, 2010.  page 21.

4.   Repacholi, B., and Gotnick, A. Early Reasoning about Desires: Evidence from 14- and 18-month-olds. Developmental Psychology, 33, 12-21. 1997.

*photo is of Ginger and her second son in 2008.

Gift Giving for World Peace & Equality for All

Okay people, if you are looking for some last minute Christmas gifts, and especially if you are looking for a great read...here is a fantastic list of books from Riane Eisler, PhD, the co-founder of

Center for Partnership Studies. 

Dr. Eisler's books paint a beautiful portrait of peace for our world today. Her organization, CPS, exists to build a culture of gender and racial equity, economic justice, and a sustainable environment.

The Real Wealth of Nations -- hailed by Nobel Peace Laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu as "a template for the better world we have been so urgently seeking."

The Power of Partnership -- hailed by Christiane Northrup, M.D., as " a brilliantly accessible plan for transforming ourselves and our world."

The Chalice and The Blade -- hailed by Ashley Montagu as "the most important book since Darwin's Origin of Species" and by Isabel Allende as "one of those magnificent key books that can transform us."

Dr. Eisler also recommends books by her partner, the social psychologist David Loye:

3,000 Years of Love: The Life of Riane Eisler and David Loye -- the story of our 30+ years of adventures together.

Darwin's Second Revolution -- the first of David Loye's trilogy, Darwin and the Battle for Human Survival, with nine pages of endorsements by leading scientists.

For the children in your life, I recommend:
The Warmest Place by Licia Rando -- beautifully written and illustrated, conveying the most important message of all: what matters most is love.

For pre-teen girls, a subscription to New Moon magazine -- I have been giving it for years, and the girls (and parents) love it.

For parents, you can download -- for free -- our acclaimed Caring and Connected Parenting Guide (also by Licia Rando)  -- endorsed by Dr. Brazelton, Dr. Siegel, as well as two Nobel peace laureates.

For teachers, here are some more ideas:
The award-winning Tomorrow's Children: A Blueprint for Partnership Education for the 21st Century (the book or DVD).

Holiday Wishes for Happy Reading & Creation of Positive Social & Cultural Change in 2011 and beyond...

Compassionate Parenting (Part One in a Two Part Series)

 

This week's guest blog is by author and activist for children and gentle parenting, Licia Rando. This post is Part One in a series on Compassionate Parenting. 

To parent with compassion is to feel what your child is feeling and to respond out of strength and well-being with a caring heart and mind.

One word bubbles to the top when trying to define the most important aspects of compassionate parenting-- listening. True listening involves our eyes, ears and our attention. Listening in compassionate parenting involves our hearts and minds as well. In order to parent compassionately we listen to ourselves as well as to our children. The information we receive allows us to respond with love and respect for both ourselves and our children.

Listening to our children involves more than hearing their words or cries, but also attuning to their body movements, facial expressions and emotions. If our infant turns away from us, squirms or pushes us, he is asking us to stop what we are doing. If our child is playing quietly with Legos, we should enter quietly and ask to join in or simply sit to the side and watch.  If our child is bouncing off the walls, we need to understand what her body is telling us and take her outside to run around before expecting her to sit for an extended time. 

Compassionate parenting understands a child’s development. I remember finding my 4-year-old daughter’s name written on our wall in a child’s beginning printing style. When asked who had done it, my daughter replied, “Raffi did it.” Raffi was our dog. Pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton tells us that all 4-year-olds lie.

If all four year olds lie, do we punish our child for normal developmental behavior? Or do we step into those little 4-year-old shoes and understand why the child lied. Child development tells us that the child at this age confuses fact and fantasy. Therefore our compassionate reaction would be to tell her that we understand why she said what she did and begin simple discussions on truth and fiction. All the while we guide her as she develops a conscience. As our child grows, we use reasoning to help her think about how her actions affect others. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., professor of psychology, points to research that shows that “parents who use induction and reasoning raise children who are better adjusted and more likely to help their peers. This style of parenting seems to nurture the basic tools of compassion.”

Compassionate parenting means we must also have compassion for ourselves. Parenting is challenging at times and even those who truly love the job benefit from time away. A little break may help us to grow, to come back with a new outlook to share and perhaps with a new appreciation for the noisiness that is family. Compassion for ourselves means we don’t have to be perfect and we don’t have to give 100% of ourselves to everyone else. Compassion means we feel what the other person feels; we respond out of respect and love, but we do not allow ourselves to be drained of self. We come from a strong place of knowing ourselves first. We all have to have our needs taken into account to be part of a healthy family.

Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and co-author of Parenting from the Inside Out, tells us that to be compassionate we must have theory of mind (an ability to perceive and understand the inner experience of another person), self-knowledge, and flexibility in our responses. Well developed executive functions help us to evaluate and override our initial emotional response to a situation. During a temper tantrum, telling ourselves,” I am getting angry because I am embarrassed, but tantrums are a normal part of child development” helps us to take an intentional approach, not an emotional approach to the situation. And when our child is finished with his emotional release, we can say compassionately, “I know it’s hard when we can’t have what we want. And someday you won’t need to take tantrums.”

Compassionate parenting, listening and putting ourselves in our child’s shoes does not mean, spoiling. Babies can not be spoiled. It is okay to love them and attend to their needs totally. Older children need limits. T. Berry Brazelton tells us that a spoiled child is a child looking for limits. A child needs to have limits set in order for him to navigate the world, form relationships with others and to become part of a family and the larger community.

Human beings are neurally wired to form relationships. Research by Eisenberger and Lieberman shows that feelings of rejection, exclusion, and distance activate the same neural processes as physical pain. In order to be healthy, we need to learn how to be with others. Research done at Emory University indicates that when we help people, it activates the reward centers in our brains. We can lead our child to discover that helping others feels good. In order to do this, we have to help our child see outside of his own self-interest and into the needs of other people. This is the beginning of connected relationships, the beginning of compassion.

Licia Rando is the author of the picture book The Warmest Place of All and Caring and Connected Parenting: A Guide to Raising Connected Children.

The guide is endorsed by pediatricians T. Berry Brazelton, MD and Laura Jana, MD. Daniel Siegel, PhD, author of Mindsight and co-author of  Parenting from the Inside OutEisler, author of The Real Wealth of Nations.

The guide is available free on-line at www.liciarando.com or www.saiv.net

Sources

1. Lieberman, M. D., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2005). A pain by any other name (rejection, exclusion, ostracism), still hurts the same: The role of dorsal anterior cingulate in social and physical pain. In J. T. Cacioppo, P. Visser, & C. Pickett (Eds.), Social Neuroscience: People Thinking About People (pp. 167-187). Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
2. T.Berry Brazelton, M.D., Touchpoints The Essential Reference
3. Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., Parenting from the Inside Out 
4. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., The Compassionate Instinct, Spring 2004, http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergood/archive/2004springsummer/keltner_spring04.pdf

The Yoga of Compassionate Parenting

I am learning that parenting gets more difficult, in different ways, as my children grow and develop.  Whereas in the early years I was sleep deprived and physically exhausted, now that they are growing beyond toddler"dom" - I have regained my former energy and zip (well, maybe not all of it, but pretty close to all of it).

However, while I don't have to exert as much physical effort - the emotional and intellectual requirements are stiffly increasing.

It won't be long before a simple kiss and hug won't fix their boo-boo's.  I already have to think more, communicate better - and in short, I am having to learn how to be a master negotiator.  Pulitzer Prize nominee Ann Crittenden writes of this in her book, If You've Raised Kids, You Can Manage Anything, which asserts that more women should be managerial executives - as a result of, not in spite of, their experience in child rearing.

Parenting, I am learning, is not a dictatorship.  Sure, I can run one of those for a time, but after a while - ordering them around not only won't work, but it will, I believe, backfire.  It may create forced good behavior for a time, but it will not build a mutually respectful and meaningful relationship with my children. And that's exactly the type I want - a parent/child relationship with deep, loving roots.

One of my spiritual mentors told me once that he and his wife set a goal in raising their children, and he encouraged all parents to do the same.  Their goal as parents was to "raise their children so that they would want to come back and visit them one day."  Although on the surface it sounds trite - it really is a genius mission statement for parenting.

I never forgot his words. When my children were born, my husband and I adopted the same mission statement. If it was good enough for my spiritual mentor, I reasoned it was good enough for us.

Getting back to parenting. I am struggling.  I have to admit that, and if you asked any parent and they were honest, they would admit the same.  We all struggle as parents. I am not sure how to handle or how I will handle my childrens' increasingly complex (and very different) personalities. I don't want to make a mistake and leave emotional scars - so sometimes I am paralyzed with fear - not sure whether or not I am making the right decision(s) as a parent.

Since my children were born I have been steadily buying and reading books on parenting.  It started with books on the anthropology of parenting, which really got me thinking about how the American way was NOT the only way and by far not the BEST way (in many cases). 

After educating myself about anthropology, and with my background in neuroscience and pediatric physiological development, I realized I wanted a more compassionate approach to parenting, which led me to some of the books and resources you'll find below.  But first, let me introduce a wonderful new person I have recently met, albeit virtually, online.  She is an advocate, not just about compassionate parenting, but for compassionate thinking and world peace. 


Her name is Dr. Riane Eisler.  She is a longtime women's advocate and is co-founder of the Center for Partnership Studies and SAIV.   The organizations are dedicated to "building a culture of gender and racial equity, economic justice, and sustainable environment," and stopping violence, respectively.

A few weeks ago I sat down with Dr. Eisler during a webinar on Caring Economics.  The webinar was very informative and has underscored my own mission as a women's activist. Afterwards, I began to study Dr. Eisler's sites and learned more about her work.  I realized that my passion for being a better parent had a lot to do with Dr. Eisler's work. 

As a parent, If I discuss parenting in "yogic" (which has nothing to do with religion) terms - I would describe my desires for parenting like this:

I want my children to grow up in a safe environment without fear of violence or discrimination - and with well balanced physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health.  In other words, I want to parent non-violently and compassionately within a koshic model. 

And so - in simple terms - using that model means that I teach them, on a daily basis, that with our two hands - we can accomplish great things - like taking care of the planet, helping others, and helping ourselves.  Dr. Eisler's is working to carry that message across the globe, and it has been recognized and endorsed by many people.

It is in researching Dr. Eisler's sites that I came across a parenting guide she has endorsed.  The Caring and Connected Parenting Guide, which has also been endorsed by renowned pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, Nobel Peace Prize Laureates Desmond Tutu and Betty Williams, pediatrician Laura Jana, psychiatrist and author Daniel Siegel.

I hope you will enjoy reading and using the guide as much as I have. Download the free Caring and Connected Parenting Guide

Other Resources:

Building Cultures of Peace
Investing in our Human Infrastructure

Dr. Brazelton's book, Touchpoints
Birth to 3
3-6

Dr. Siegel's book, Parenting from the Inside Out

Dr. Jana's books

Dr. Sear's and Martha Sear's Book on Early Parenting (This book challenges the typically accepted American status quo on early parenting. I loved it, and so did my kids.):
Attachment Parenting

Green Mothering and Parenting
Natural Family Living, by Mothering Magazine's Peggy O'Mara

*Photo was taken of me and my oldest son, who loves to give me flowers on an (almost) daily basis.

The Mommy Wars

I recently had a question from a reader, a mother of 2 young girls. The problem she presented has been plaguing women since they left the home en masse and entered the workplace - from the 1970's forward.  It is a problem we all struggle with - whether we are stay at home moms or working moms.

Here is my response to this busy, working mom - who like all mothers is just trying to do the best she can for her children.

Question:

Has anyone else had this problem? I work 2-3 days a week as a nurse in an extremely busy hospital Endoscopy department. I have 3 and 8 yr old daughters. I have a really busy life. I'm experiencing a sort of "backlash" from my friends. My work friends are giving me this "must be nice, only working 2 days a week." My at home mom friends are giving me this "your too busy for us, your career and all."

It is soo frustrating. It's like I can't win. Neither party has any idea what my home life is like and all I am responsible for. I'm really doing the best I can. Any suggestions??

Thanks,
XXX

My Reply:

Ask yourself this question first: Do you really like those friends who are giving you such a hard time?

In fact, are they really your friends at all? If it were me, I would not give them a second thought. Women have it hard enough in this world trying to balance being the (usual) primary caregiver, the (usual) primary household manager, and then oftentimes working outside the home on top of that. However, instead of helping each other - they frequently tear each over down over mothering choices.

This evolution is very sad, and it represents the demise of women's relationships in this world. Women used to band together and help each other stand strong - through birth, child rearing, family life, work, and death. I believe we lost this womanly community of support when women started to believe they had to choose sides - either work inside the home OR work outside the home. They also bought into the belief that one was more important than the other. The truth is - both jobs are valuable and absolutely necessary.

Surround yourself with positive thinkers who support you.  You are doing your best as a woman and mother and you only have time in your life for those will help raise you up - not tear you down.

If you have not read any of Pulitzer Prize nominee and mother's activist Ann Crittenden's books, I highly suggest them. Crittenden's books empower mothers- and leave no room for the petty backlash you are, and most ALL mothers experience, from their not so friendly "friends."

You are doing a great job - and yes, you can have the best of both worlds as a mother and woman. I think you have made a great decision - it's one I can relate to and strive for as a working mother with two young sons.

Congratulations to you, keep up the fantastic job of balancing your life well and having the awareness and wisdom to know when you may have to walk away from relationships which are damaging your well being.  Cut yourself loose from those false friends who do not support you. There are plenty of women out there who do support you, and I am one of them!

Blessings to your and your family,
Ginger

*photo taken of me speaking at a national health care convention in Philadelphia in June. What is not pictured is the internal struggle of me leaving my sons (again) to be "the working mom."  I empathize with all moms - stay at home and working moms.  Women need to support women because no one else can truly understand the complexity of what life requires from us.

Two (more) Ways Yoga Can Make You A Better Parent

A few weeks ago I was invited to write a guest blog about yoga and parenting. Read the full blog here.

Here is a continuation of my blog on yoga and parenting, with two (more) ways yoga can help us all be better parents:

Two More Ways that Yoga Makes You A Better Parent

1. Don’t underestimate the importance of your breathing habits.

I have seen many mothers whose previously calm demeanor and good breathing habits BC (Before Children) mysteriously vanished into thin air AC (After Children).

Why is this?

Today’s women have fought (hard) for their autonomy and independence. In addition, families are more mobile than ever. However, the deserving achievements of this modern movement (remember it hasn't even been 100 years since women could vote) has left women (and families) with a very flimsy infrastructure – which means we tend to have poor support systems. Most women, myself included, underestimate the importance of the statement “It Takes A Village to Raise A Child.”
Even someone like myself, who has a master’s degree from one of the top physical therapy schools in the United States and specializes in women’s health…was on the edge of sanity after going for weeks with little more than 2 hours of sleep a night with 2 children in diapers, a corporation to (still) run, and with no family in the area who could help.
The nugget of truth here is that women are busier than ever and oftentimes with less support than ever. When women enter or re-enter the workplace after childbirth, they keep 75% or more of household management duties, in addition to their new role as a mother. In addition, the American workplace has proven to be the one of the least "parent" friendly of all developed countries.
All of these stressors can easily lead to depression and poor parenting choices. Postpartum depression always lurks right around the corner – for all women – regardless of their socioeconomic status or education level.
However, good breathing habits have been proven to help battle depressive symptoms. Read my previous blog on improving mood, coping skills and preventing/managing depression with good breathing habits. Learning good breathing habits can ward off depression, improve quality of life, increase energy, and stabilize mood - which all leads to better parenting.

2. If you do not have a mediation practice, start today.

Meditation is called different things across the globe – Meditation, Devotion, Prayer, Quiet Time…the list goes on. However, anyone can practice meditation without conflicting with their spiritual roots. Read my previous blog on how Yoga must be recalibrated to fit the 21^st century mother. This post will teach you how to practice a “savasana” (sha-vah-suhn) or corpse pose, which will help facilitate a meditation practice.

Tip: Create a Sacred Space. I have friends from all different spiritual traditions - Hindu, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Jain, & Buddhist. They all have one thing (well way more than that) in common – they all have a meditation practice that honors their spiritual belief system. I encourage you to create a Sacred Space to help you meditate. It may be as simple as a converted closet or elaborate as an entire room with an altar or table holding your inspirational quotes, Sacred texts, readings, poetry, figures, as well as everything you need to meditate (which could be as simple as a cushion on the floor or elaborate as a cushioned chair, bed, or other props to help you be comfy).

This Space will not only remind you to mediate, but will make it easier for you to do so. It can also be your own personal chapel – a place to recollect yourself and remind yourself of what is most important to you. I go to my Sacred Space daily, if even for 5 minutes. I actually created 2 rooms and a third small space – because I need physical reminders to keep me accountable – and to help ground me and remind me of my ordered priorities.

These are the last 2 Tips in my Yoga and Better Parenting post. I hope you have been able to glean something of worth for your Journey of Parenting. Remember in the words of revered Afghan poet Rumi: In the end, we will be forgiven for forgetting that what we really want is Love's Confusing Joy. Gamble Everything For Love.

*Photo is of a "Mommy & Me Yoga" photo shoot (and one of his first official yoga practices) with my second son.

Yoga and Better Parenting

Read my guest column today on How Yoga Can Make You A Better Parent, at the blog of Certified Nurse Midwife, Stacey Curnow.

Enjoy!

Is Your Life In Perspective?

Today's blog is my first - with my children playing by my side. To blog, I usually wake at 5 am or wait until my work day begins. But today is different.

Perspective
Today, in their high pitched, little boy voices - my sons peep "beep beep" as they back up their trucks in their increasingly self directed, imaginative play. My youngest, 2 1/2, looks up to say "yook mom, it (truck) cwashed" and "cmon, again," to his brother as they make "laps" around the kitchen "racetrack" with their trucks. My oldest runs over to say "mom, i forgot to give you a hug....(hugs me) and a kiss" (aww - today's blog is worth it already!). Blogging with my children has been impossible until today (I have young toddlers) - when I considered today's topic - and thought it most appropriate - no, absolutely necessary - that they be with me.

With the sounds of trucks being pushed along the tile floor, of padding toddler feet across the room, and the squeals of delight as my sons interact with one another...I want to share with you how I keep my priorities ordered - in parenting, work, and life.

Does (your) Life Have the Perspective You Want?

Relationships.
When I went through an incredibly difficult and hard lesson in my life several years ago, I emerged from the ashes vowing one single thing. Focus on Relationship. Relationship with Self. Relationship with Others. If I focused on nothing else in my life except having successful relationships - I figured my life and heart would be full. That small vow has transformed my life. I live an abundant and blessed life because of that one vow.

It is not easy to keep, since our very nature is to be self-preserving (ahem, sometimes self-centered). However, we are not created to be independent creatures, isolated from others. Many studies show the detrimental, long standing damage that isolation inflicts on an individual - from infants to adults. We were created to be in relationship with others. Immense joy - comes from acceptance. We want to be love and be loved.

Choose Relationship over everything else in your life - and see what happens.
Here are 4...Relationship Tips I use every day (sometimes every hour or minute) to maintain my perspective of cultivating healthy relationships with others and my self.

• Grace in...Rock singer/songwriter Bono writes, "She travels outside of karma...she takes the blame...she covers the shame...Grace finds beauty, in everything." Type A, perfectionists (which I tend to be) or for you yogis - pitta types - tend to forget about grace. We focus on getting it right and wasting no time doing it. However, we can alienate and hurt others in the process. On the other extreme, there are those who think status quo is just fine (thank you very much) - and see no need to change anything (kapha types). In the middle - we should seek to find the beauty that can exist in a state of Grace. Compassion in our relationships helps us understand and empathize with others. We, as individuals and as a country, should not have to wait until tragedy hits home in order to feel the similar pain of others. In your next interaction with someone, practice Bono's lyric.
  

• Forgiveness in...
  Folk singer/songwriter Patty Griffin writes, "it's hard to give and it's hard to get, but everybody needs a little forgiveness." At time we may "swim with the snakes at the bottom of the well" but "we are not snakes and what's more we never will be...if we stay swimming here forever we will never be free." Give forgiveness, and you'll get it from others.
  

• Transparency in...
  Indie singer/songwriters Indigo Girls write, "oh, the fear I've known, that I might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own..." One of my spiritual mentors said once that people are starved for authenticity. We seek out those who are genuine in the world - and we cannot rest until we find them. We actually, I believe whether we know it or not, spend our whole lives seeking authenticity. So, make it easier and start with (our)Self first. Be transparent - in order to attract the same type of person into your life.
  

• Synergy in...
  Bob Dylan's son, Jakob Dylan, writes, "it doesn't always have a shape, almost never has a name, it may have a pitchfork, maybe has a tail, but evil is alive and well." When in a disagreement with anyone - remember that your struggle is not against the man or woman. The struggle is with evil.
  
  Just like a child who misbehaves, it is not the child you do not like - it is their behavior. The same situation is true with your spouse, your co-worker, the driver who refuses to let you merge or the parent without basic manners. Your struggle is not with them, but with the evil that can take hold of them - poor behavior or decisions made.
  
  You can disarm conflict if you separate the person from their poor choice or behavior. Rather than make an accusation, work toward creating Synergy. During your next stressful situation or conflict, find common ground without accusing the other person. Seeking a solution with another person is a synergistic action. It works for the collective good of a relationship and for all. This kind of Synergistic Problem Solving (SPS) can bring us all more peace.
  

Like lifting weights or training in yoga or for a marathon - you cannot become stronger unless you meet resistance. Arguments are not and should not be detrimental to your relationships - use a disagreement to strengthen your relationship with others - and with your Self.

While writing this blog post today, I have applied all of these lessons in real time. So having my children by my side during this post today was a good choice - for all of us.
During this blog I have had to take multiple breaks to discipline (with Grace), manage conflict (with Forgiveness & Synergy), hug, kiss, read to (with Transparency), and put my children down for their naptime (okay that's allowing both mother and children to build up new reserves of Grace, Forgiveness, Transparency, and SPS). Ahh - the beauty of lessons learned (and relationships strengthened).

Today is a perfect day to start ~ Cultivating and Nurturing Relationships.

*photo is of my oldest son and me last spring, during a family (relationship building) walk.

Message from Healthy Child, Healthy World

An important universal mantra for all parents, no matter what non profit organization you support. There is nothing more important than the health of your child.

Film Review: Where The Wild Things Are...tales from the parenting darkside?

An Interview with Merianne Grigoriciuc, human development and family expert, psychologist, early childhood educator, mother, and stepmother...

Reviews have ranged from praise to blistering blasts of protest, but hear what one mother, psychologist, and expert in early childhood education, Merianne Grigoriciuc, has to say about Where The Wild Things Are.

I must confess I have not yet seen the film Where The Wild Things Are, but it is raising plenty of buzz in the parenting world. So don't miss Merianne's review. It sure has my attention. I'll be seeing the movie soon.

Stop Stress In Its Tracks

Sometimes it creeps up on you, sometimes it crashes into you, sometimes it consumes you, but frequently it seems, stress seems to be just around the next corner. My day is going smoothly, and then something ALWAYS happens to interrupt my "zen" flow.

Reality! You wake up late or you wake up too early. You forget your cell phone or you accidentally wash (and dry!) your cell phone (me with pregnant brain during my second pregnancy). You grocery shop and then leave the groceries at the store (my cousin and dear friend, right after the birth of her second child). You make up your child's bed neatly and, in the meantime, he or she is hard at work sabotaging your latest manuscript (kids love laptops, especially mine!). You go to work to provide family financial stability, but in the end you have no time to spend with the family you are working so hard for.

Mothers, the original gurus of multi-tasking, can have a pretty long "stress" list. In fact, the more we multi-task, the more stressed and less efficient we become. (can I get an amen there?)

So this week, I will share "real time" stress relief secrets. This means I will offer up stress relief tips that work in real life - like the ones I use while I try to get my kids to nap so I can finish this blog or the ones I use when the kids spew their oatmeal at each other as I (try to) concentrate on answering work email - you know - that kind of "real time".

Even now, as I work, I am listening to my oldest sing his own nonstop rendition (by request) of happy birthday to his brother (it's not his birthday) while they "nap." So here it goes....

7 Ways to Stop Mommy/Wife Stress In Its Tracks:

1. Stressful Scenario: The kids are not listening to you (boy if I had a nickel for every time this happened).
   
2. Solution: Whisper, don't shout. I use to shout, but after a year of chronically losing my voice I learned something neat. When I spoke in a tone closer to a whisper than a shout, my kids listened more. Also, stick around until you get the results you are looking for. In yoga speak, this means helping a student align their pose, then not moving on to the next student until they have achieved the safe alignment you want. The same is true with children. To get them to nap, I hung around outside their bedroom door. (I recently moved them into a shared room, so bed time has gotten very interesting.) Each time I would hear little feet on the floor, I would open the door and calmly remind them to stay in their beds. I also tossed in a carrot - I told them "we will have more time for fun after their nap if they go to sleep now." The results were profound.
3. Benefit: You don't have to get anymore headaches from listening to your head roar. You can prevent wrinkles from not having to twist up your face in exasperation all the time. Your posture will improve because you can take the time to bend down on one knee and explain to them why they are in trouble, instead of hunching over or throwing your head back to get your voice to travel the furthest distance at the loudest volume possible. Lastly, your shouts become more effective when they are truly needed (like a dangerous situation of running into traffic, etc.), They will be less likely to think you are "crying wolf" and will be much more receptive to you. I get lots more "I wuv you's (I love you's) from my kids for shouting less and speaking gently more.

1. Scenario: Your husband is not listening to you. (hmm, another nickel anyone?)
2. Solution: One of my biggest pet peeves is repeating myself. And, there is nothing worse than repeating yourself when no one is listening. So when this scenario arises, I remind myself that no one is a perfect listener. In addition, not many people digest information after they've only heard it once. (can anyone pass that physics or biology test after only reading the information once?) Remind yourself that everyone is fragile and you are not the center of the universe. Your husband is likely as stressed as you are. Ask him what he may need to get off his chest as well. The fact is, how well can you pay attention to details if you are already overwhelmed with information (aka hyper stimulated)? If these reminders do not work, send your partner an email or write a short letter. Consider it a "love letter". A means for really slowing down to say what you mean. When is the last time you wrote one a love letter to your partner? Do it today. Lastly, try to avoid working out problems during chaotic times. I am not a procrastinator. In fact, I am the anti-thesis of a procrastinator. But for working on marital bliss with your partner, sometimes procrastination is a good thing. Instead of trying to work through a disagreement while the kids are also melting down, postpone it. The immediacy of what you disagreed over will subside. Let yourself mellow for a while (not steep!), and see if you can speak about it when the situation has calmed itself.
   
3. Benefit: Improved communication, hands down. By far, the biggest troublemaker in a relationship is lack of or ineffective communication. Usually, it is because of anger or expectations. (i.e. You get angry because expectations were not met. For example, "I thought you were going to pick up the groceries. or I thought Friday was our date night? or I cannot believe you said that to me.") Explain what you mean, without animosity or hidden agenda. If you cannot do it out loud, do it in writing. Many times, you can explain things better if you write them out first, and you are less likely to let anger dictate your speech.

Stay tuned...5 More Stress Busters to come this week!

*photo taken in June of this year during a trip to Grandfather mountain. ...a typical day in the life of any mother....

Giving Tree Found

The wisdom gleaned from motherhood, and parenthood, truly permeates the soul and holds eternal value.

Now as Friday's go, people are usually relieved to reach a week's end. Last Friday was no different, as the week had been particularly stressful as week's go.

So last Friday my 3.5 year old son was sharing a moment with me while I was doing a quick "hat" change (going from work day to evening play). I was mentally reviewing the week's stress and previewing the upcoming week's tasks when, in an attempt to gain my attention, he pointed to a painting of a tree, one I've had for ages that hangs in our bathroom.

He said, "look mom, it's the giffing twee! (no typo - this is what he said, but what he actually meant was "look mom, it's the Giving Tree")." I had checked out "The Giving Tree" at our local library a week earlier, and it has since become my son's favorite book. Clearly, he has been affected by Shel's book.

More wisdom from the mouth of babes. I knew that I was failing to see priorities clearly in that moment, and was too caught up in the remains of the day (and those of future days) to consider what (who) was in front of me, and what was passing me by as a result of my own self-centered interests.

I was convicted in my tracks. I stopped all my thoughts, everything I was doing, knelt down beside him and put my arm around him so we could look up at the big tree painting together.

"Yes," I said, "that IS the giving tree. How amazing! Thank you Michael for reminding me. I never want to forget this moment. Ever." He glowed with contentment.

I knew who my giving tree was that day.

Who is your giving tree today?


*The Giving Tree, written by Shel Silverstein in 1964, is a book about a tree who loves a little boy, so much that she does a very surprising thing for the little boy.

Clouds of Light

When I look at my children, I feel different things. Let's be honest, we don't always feel warm and fuzzy when we see our kids, especially when they are covered in poo, magic marker, syrup, or a combination of all three - and part of that concoction is on the sofa and walls. Sometimes, when I look at my children, as cute as they are, I feel different emotions. Like a roller coaster, sometimes I look at their faces and I feel consumed, frustrated, loved, exasperated, fatigued, bewildered, humbled, confused...sometimes all at the same time! But one thing never changes. I always feel love. Despite the other surface emotions which may dictate an immediate feeling, I always do and will love them. I love them, and see a measure of Perfection, of Divine, of God, in them. Looking through the transparent innocence of their eyes is the closest I will ever get to a glimpse of Heaven while I am here on earth, because they are fresh from Heaven, delivered into my arms.
Thank goodness others see and feel that too. Unconditional love could be the title of this amazing poem by William Martin, but that would be too overt. However, unconditional love is the proverb and underlying message of what we should continually give to our children, and to each other. Let's remind ourselves as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends - we are nurturing the next responsible generation.

Clouds of Light

They look so small and frail

but they are so great and magnificent.

They are born of the same womb

that birthed the cosmos

and knitted together the galaxies.

If you could see them as they truly are,

you would be astounded.

You would see not little children

but dancing clouds of light,

energy in motion,

swimming in an ocean of love.

They are so much more

than what you see.

As are you.

By William Martin

*photo was taken just a few hours after my second son was born, 2007.