What I Don't Understand About Women

I am on maternity leave through August and September, so please enjoy today's guest post by NAMC's Advocacy Coordinator, Valerie Young. Valerie writes the popular blog for mother's rights, Your (Wo)Man in Washington.

BITL Founder, Ginger, in pursuit of "pushing back" in 2010,
fundraising for women and children in Haiti
through voice and song.
Photo taken at a North Carolina festival. 2010.

I know something about women.

  

I am one, and have been for my whole life. Much of my time is spent in the company of women, professionally and personally.  

As an advocate for women's economic security, I think a lot about about our experiences. I spend more time than most looking at data and research on women's finances, economic power, and how they are affected by cultural attitudes and government policy.  I talk for hours on end to female academics, politicians, economists, lawyers, and my personal women friends, some down the street and others scattered around the world.  Most are mothers, some are not.  I've birthed and am raising children, and I’ve experienced surgical menopause, the effects of which continue to reveal themselves with the passage of time.   The art and science of being female is pretty much constantly at the front of my mind.  And I have noticed something.
We rarely give ourselves the credit we deserve.  

There is a significant gap between the efforts we make, the responsibility we assume, our willingness to put others first, and the esteem in which we hold ourselves.  I don’t understand this.  Being on the front lines of our very own lives, we know better than anyone the demanding and essential roles we play.  Yet we often give ourselves short shrift.  Consider what our lives may include:

• the physical demands of pregnancy and childbirth  
• years of varied and unending tasks required to keep an infant, a toddler, a child, a teen, an adult child living, learning, and functioning in this unpredictable and complex world
• the constantly changing compromise required by our unpaid care of family, from economic dependency, to paid work with too little time for home, to trading down our paid employment, and accepting less than we are worth, to be available to the people who need us
• part time work  without health insurance or a retirement plan
• excruciating choices, such as go to work and get paid, or stay with the sick child and don’t get paid, or worse
• in later life, we have less money than men because we earned less, saved less, lived longer and spent more time taking care of other people.  

We do this year in, year out, knowing the consequences, and not caring because we have to go to work, or the baby is crying, or the school just called, or we are too tired to even think about it.

Certainly some women are satisfied with their own blend of family life and employment.  It is not impossible, but at least in my own admittedly unscientific survey of mothers, it is exceedingly rare.  The women I know want passionately to succeed as both mothers and earners.  They know instinctively it is not one or the other, or at least that it doesn’t have to be.  They tie themselves into knots trying to be all things to their children, partners, bosses, co-workers and clients.  They want to do good work, be valued for their efforts and ability, and be treated fairly.  They want to raise their children the best they can, and are willing to give their all to whatever they are doing, whether it’s a raising a well-adjusted human being, or producing a bump up in the bottom line.  The women I know set impossibly high standards for themselves, and work hard to achieve them.

I say let’s recognize ourselves for the extraordinary creatures that we are.  We generate life, nurture, teach, grow.  We learn, strive, and work.  Our time is precious, our abilities unlimited.  We don’t realize our own strength.  When we became mothers, we committed ourselves to the service of human life.  That is no small thing.  Some portion of our own resources, energy, and purpose should be dedicated to our own interest.  So, stick up for yourself, sister!  We deserve better.  Push back against the status quo.  We have a stake in the future, for we will live there with and through our children.   How the future deals with us is up to us right now. 

Creation is what we do.  Every single day women remake the face of the world.  We have every right and every reason to make it a face that will smile back at us. 

Your (Wo)Man in Washington, Valerie Young
 
Valerie is Advocacy Coordinator for the National Association of Mothers' Centers and its netroots initiative, Mothers Ought To Have Equal Rights.  She contributes analysis of policies affecting the economic security of mothers, educates members on the political process, and promotes a society that values the work of caring for children and other family members.  She brings the lens of motherhood to her coalition work on feminism, work/life issues, older women's income security, and maternal health and well-being.
 
Valerie earned her law degree at Tulane University and practiced maritime insurance law in New Orleans for 11 years.  Before joining NAMC, Valerie worked for the National Association of Women Judges, and was a founder, along with Ann Crittenden and others, of the Mothers Ought To Have Equal Rights effort arising from publication of Ann's book, "The Price of Motherhood".  She also worked for the National Partnership of Women & Families fighting efforts to privatize Social Security, and promoting paid leave and other work/life issues.  She authored the National Partnership's State Round Up of family friendly legislation in 2006.  She lives in suburban Washington DC with her family.

The American Woman: Telling Our Story

Ginger in the UK
at the beginning of her own "Eat, Pray, Love" journey in 2004

A few weeks ago, a BITL reader wrote to tell me know how much this blog had helped her get her life back.  After suffering from long standing depression and struggling with her weight and the stresses that attach themselves to it - she found my blog and in it the tools she needed to arm herself for self-healing.

After reading her story, I knew that Cindy (not her real name) was a courageous young woman with a mission - and that she could be a powerful help to other women struggling under the pressures of daily living.  I asked if I could share her story with BITL readers, and she quickly obliged.  "If my story can help another woman and empower her to take charge of her body and her health," Cindy wrote, "please share it."

Cindy shares her story below, and I want to encourage you to keep sending your stories of struggle and success.  Please send us your story - to help build a community of women who help each other thrive.

Hi Ginger....I just spent the entire morning looking at your web page and blog. I love it! I printed out a lot of material that I found useful, helpful, inspiring, motivating, and educating!

I love the Vitamin D article. I have been struggling with some health issues lately from weight gain to depression. After looking at blood test results, the doctors found that I was Vitamin D and B12 deficient. Right now I take a prescription dosage of Vitamin D. I also need to get a B12 injection each week. I have felt the results. I am so much more energetic and able to accomplish much more. I also found that each of these vitamins can help with weight loss and depression...directly and indirectly.

The blog posts that I absolutely love are the Happiness Inventory parts 1-3. I have gained about twenty five pounds in the past year and a half. I printed out all the info. Plus, I am going to order a few books as well as your yoga DVD. I was on medications for depression and migraines. I felt like a walking medicine cabinet. After much debate, I decide to quit my meds (I didn't quit cold turkey, but had to keep lowering the dosage). I am currently through my second week of not taking anti-depressants and my migraine meds. I just take my Vitamin D and get my B12 injection.

I can cry at the drop of a hat...but I keep telling myself to give it time. I am going to try and make life changes that are positive: diet, exercise, extra curricular activities:) We will see how it goes.

I have probably flooded your ears way too much! But a lot of your blog posts seemed to click and I found connections. I had even researched the adrenal gland and stress.....I printed that article too.  

Thank you again for your blog.
Love,
Cindy 


Resources Cindy Uses

• Happiness Inventory
• Vitamin D Deficiency - Do you have one?
• Burned Out? How to tell and what to do

Other Helpful Resources

• How well are you managing your energy? Take the The Energy Audit quiz here 
• Easy Self Massage for Boosting Energy
• Redefining Yoga Practice for the 21st Century Mother
• Your Independence Day: Going from Passive to Active

I encourage you to comment below and keep sending your stories so we can continue to build a community of women who help each other thrive. 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Motherhood: Recognizing the Signs

With my son, at the beginning of our own
healing process, in 2008.

This week's post on Breathing In This Life is from Michelle Rosenthal, of www.healmyptsd.com

Being a mom is a wonderful, magical and inspiring identity. But what if the birth experience – or some other trauma – leaves you feeling less than covered in fairy dust? What if your parenting skills are being interfered with by symptoms and behaviors you don’t understand?

Real or perceived traumatic experiences during childbirth or any other part of a mother’s life can lead to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Post-Partum Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PP-PTSD). 

Here are a few facts about PTSD before we define symptoms and what to do about them:

·         70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives.

·         Up to 20% of these people go on to develop PTSD.

·         An estimated 5% of Americans have PTSD at any given time.

·         An estimated 1 out of 10 women develops PTSD; women are about twice as likely as men.

·         Among people who are victims of a severe traumatic experience 60 – 80% will develop PTSD.

·         Almost 50% of all outpatient mental health patients have PTSD. Somewhat higher rates of this disorder have been found to occur in African Americans, Hispanics, and Native Americans compared to Caucasians in the United States.

·         PP-PTSD affects 1-6% of women who have difficult births.

The good news is: PTSD is an entirely treatable condition. Because PTSD and PP-PTSD can be frequently misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar Disorder or Post-Partum Depression, it’s helpful to recognize PTSD symptoms, and even have tools to begin diagnosing yourself. The more self-empowered and proactive you are about your experience the more quickly you’ll find help, and relief.

Signs of PTSD

Symptoms of PTSD are divided into three categories:

1 – Re-experiencing: This cluster of symptoms includes intrusive thoughts (you can’t stop thinking back over the traumatic experience), feeling like the event is happening again in real time, nightmares and flashbacks.

2 – Arousal: These symptoms focus on a constant need to ensure safety, including heightened sensory activity, hyper vigilance, insomnia or difficulty falling asleep, outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating and exaggerated startle response.

3 – Avoidance: This behavior includes avoidance of people, places, things, conversations and experiences that remind you of the traumatic event, plus a feeling of detachment, the inability to have loving feelings, and a diminished interest in participating in important activities.

How do you know if these PTSD symptoms accurately apply to you? Take this PTSD Self-Test to begin forming a picture that you can share with  your physician or mental health professional.

The most important and immediate action is to talk about what you are experiencing. Open up to someone close to you and explain what’s troubling you. The longer PTSD goes untreated the worse it gets; recognizing and treating it as soon as possible are critical to lessening your experience of it.

Treating PTSD

There is no single, universal treatment for PTSD. Modalities range from the traditional talk therapy and cognitive behavior therapy, to the alternative, including somatic experiencing, information processing, hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Trauma leaves an enormous imprint on the subconscious mind. Because of this, most survivors find it helpful to combine traditional PTSD treatment modalities with alternative PTSD treatment techniques in order to find relief.

While there is no set procedure and no standard recovery period, the opportunity to overcome PTSD exists for everyone. The process usually involves trying different therapeutic techniques to find what resonates and feels most comfortable with you. The most effective healing work will be achieved in a modality that feels safe, guided by a practitioner with whom you feel confident and secure.

Michele Rosenthal is a Self-Empowered Healing Coach and the founder of www.healmyptsd.com, a site for PTSD information and support. A trauma survivor who healed after more than 25 years of PTSD, Michele now devotes her career to helping others learn to clarity, verify and strategize their PTSD recovery. Her PTSD memoir, BEFORE THE WORLD INTRUDED, will be published in September 2011. Currently, she is launching the very first live virtual PTSD support groups.

Living Wide Awake in 2011

Introspection
(Our Family Christmas Vacation 2010)

Reflection. You see your own in the mirror day in, day out.

But who do see?  The person you were, the person you are, or the person you want to become?

Self-reflection is recognized as a universal requirement for learning.  Maxine Greene PhD, who entered the field of education in 1938 and established herself early on at Columbia University as the "lone female voice" in a male dominated philosophy of education, has this to say about reflection:

"...you can be submerged in the crowd, and if you're submerged in the crowd and have no opportunity to think for yourself, to look through your own eyes, life is dull and flat and boring," she says. "The only way to really awaken to life, awaken to the possibilities, is to be self-aware."

Greene likens reflection to "wide-awakeness." "Without the ability to think about yourself, to reflect on your life, there's really no awareness, no consciousness. Consciousness doesn't come automatically; it comes through being alive, awake, curious, and often furious."

Living "Wide-Awake"

My self reflection practice has revealed to me, through the years, these two truths. Though simple, they have had a profound effect on ordering my life for greatest growth and success.

1. Write in pencil.  As I order my days and set goals for myself, I now only write in pencil. Whether on my family or google calendar I can swiftly erase or delete whatever no longer serves me or my family's best interests.  Putting away the ink pen has freed me to invite new experiences into my life.  I am more flexible as a parent and professional and realize I can flow with life's changes gracefully. Wielding a pencil instead of a pen has allowed me to let go so I can grow.
   
   Time has a way of showing us all - that we are not in control.  Sooner or later, we have to learn that flexibility, not rigidity, serves us best. My wake up call was my 2 year old son's emergency heart surgery. With his diagnosis and the surgeon's curt announcement, "your son will need cardiothoracic surgery within the month..."  suddenly my packed work schedule and all the responsibilities that I had tied to it - paled and fell away.  I found myself waiting outside the pediatric neo-natal intensive care unit - pacing and praying for my son's life. 
   
   That experience demanded that I write in pencil. Now I don't wait for the proverbial shoe to drop before self-reflecting. I do it every time I plan an event in my calendar.
   
   
2. Omit possessive vocabulary.  I began this practice more than a decade ago, during a humanitarian trip to Alaska to help a community of Native Americans. That trip showed my that nothing I have is mine. It is only gifted to me while I am here on earth. Being Native American myself, I was reminded by this beautiful family of Alaskan Indians that the "my" we use so often - doesn't really exist.
   
   That year I stopped using the word "my."  "My" belongings or "my business" or  "my skills" were no longer mine. They belonged to a greater good that had nothing to do with me but everything to do with how I used what was entrusted to me and what lasting effect is has in this world.  This small practice also helped me more earnestly apply the yogic principle of non-attachment.  Situations in life were no longer mine, and as a result, I was able to look at them through a more objective, level-headed, and less emotionally possessive lens.
   
   As a result, relationships I had with others also improved.  Annoying habits or hurtful behaviors from others were just that - only habits or behaviors - but they did not own the person.  As a result, I was able to detach the bad experience from the person, which left me free to forgive and open myself up to healing and growth in the relationship.

Resources
Here are a few blogs from BITL and other bloggers which can help you on the path toward growth and wisdom in 2011.

Self-Reflection: How To Do It Right
Freedom To Live Your Life: But Are You?
Midwife For Your Life
Is Your Life in Perspective?
The Person Next To You Is
Self Reflection for Entrepreneurs
Self Reflect Instead of Self Neglect

Stop Stress In Its Tracks, Day 3

Okay ladies, here are my last "real time" stress busters (for this week anyway).

1. Stress scenario: There is not enough time in the day to get everything done.
2. Solution: This is a tough one, but we must tackle it.

Identify time wasters:

• Cut out TV. Completely. Even get rid of your TV. We did in 2004. We only recently got a small one so our kids can watch their DVD's. Public television is the only channel my children watch now. My husband and I only watch State of the Union addresses, or in the case of an election year, we watch the political debates. Instead of wasting our time with TV, if we want to watch something important, we will order it via our Netflix account. In addition, there is no TV during any family time, such as dinners, and no more than 2 PBS shows or 1 movie (i.e. the time it takes to watch a movie) a day.
  
• Cut back on Internet. We connect to the world via the Internet, so we get what we need and not what we don't (ads, silly pop culture, violence on the evening news, etc.). I use the Internet for reading news, work, shopping, and some social and professional media (once/week usually). However we can still have the tendency to surf the net too much. Now we observe the following: No Internet or computers during the dinner hour, between 5-8 pm. No Internet during any family time. This means no texting, no cell phones, no TV, no outside interruption. Same goes for email. As I mentioned previously, try to only check your email two times a day. Hovering over your email all day is not productive.
  
• Get rid of your land line & then don't answer your cell phone. I stand by my Grandfather Garner's philosophy. "Say what you need to say, and get off the phone." Yes, even as a teenager, I stood firm on this philosophy. If you do not need a land line, then get rid of it. It will also save you some money each month. I only use my cell phone when I absolutely must. My whole family knows I do not like to use the phone. Now my cell phone rings only when the caller has something important to say.
• Don't buy tabloids or fluff magazines. Yes, I have been known to read a copy of House Beautiful as intensely as I teach a yoga class. However, our society should know better than to fuel pop culture demand for gossip magazines. You know, the ones that discuss celebrity's private lives and make us feel either good or bad about our self image. It's easy. Just don't do it. Put that money you would spend into your children's' stock portfolios.
• Don't overdo a task. This is similar to talking on the phone. Only do it if you must. Think about what you are going to do before you are going to do it. For example, making a grocery list. I have this nifty list that divides whole foods into categories, so you can check a box and then go straight to that section in the store. No time wasted and no impulse buys.
  
• Get rid of the clutter. This applies at several levels.
  

1. Don't bring junk mail into the house. Stand at your recycling bin and toss it as soon as you take it out of the mailbox. We all know physical clutter, this includes extra body weight, can create mental clutter. Better yet, take action to reduce or eliminate receipt of junk mail altogether.
   
2. Get rid of one item for each new item you purchase. This especially applies to clothing and furnishings. Stop consumerism.
3. Don't have a junk drawer. I don't. Every drawer in my house has a purpose. There is no need to waste a drawer, or any storage space, to hold junk. Either the junk can be re purposed, given away to someone who won't consider it junk, recycled, or trashed.
   

• Make things hover. I know this one is strange, but it is my favorite. My husband can vouch for that. Carefully plan your rooms. The more things you have sitting on the floor, the more cluttered (and less usable) a room feels. For anything that remains in one spot more than a week, you need a designated place and storage method for it. Mail, laundry (dirty and clean and the stuff that is in the "holding" area to be put away, ironed, or taken to the cleaners), reusable grocery totes, hats, shoes, wine. I try to create proper storage so things can "hover" - that way, I can whisk around the room and tidy up in a flash. Shockingly, I have no problem with my family, including my husband, leaving things all over the house. If you create a practical, user friendly method for organization, then it will be easier for your family to use that that to leave it on the floor. Trust me. Making things hover really works.
  

1. Stress: Immediate overload. You need help now!
2. Solution:

• 10 minutes of Yoga. I used to practice for 90 minutes a day on average. Now, I actually practice for no more than 30 minutes 4-6 times a week, and am in better shape. (yes, I know. less is more.) Some days though, especially when my children were infants, I only got 10 minutes. It still got my pre-baby body back, and I had instant stress relief. Follow me on You Tube to get fit.
  
• Time away from kids, or your job, etc. This can be anywhere from 10 minutes to 10 days! I know it is obvious, but as women, we never have time away. Take it today. Recharge.
  
• Pray. Return to your spiritual roots. Faith and hope are our greatest weapons against burnout and stress. Believe. Meditate. Begin your day with hope. You can do it anywhere.
  
• Volunteer. The surest way to help yourself is to help others. I observe my boundaries (see day 1 and 2 blog), but because I have identified and eliminated time wasters, I still have time to give. And, I am teaching my children a valuable lesson about helping those in need.
  
• Focus on relationship building. We are not created to be independent, solitary, isolated creatures. Human beings were created for relationship. Cultivate them.
• Count your blessings. Recognize milestones. Look at what you have accomplished, rather than what you have not. You are amazing!

3. Overall Benefits: More time for You. More time for Others. A Greater Appreciation for the human race. A second (or third) chance to Live and Love Life. A great way to Live in Gratitude.

Now I am going to settle into my own stress relief mode. Starting today, I am unplugging from technology for 1 whole week.
Yes, I am practicing what I preach.
"See" you in 1 week.

Stop Stress In Its Tracks

Sometimes it creeps up on you, sometimes it crashes into you, sometimes it consumes you, but frequently it seems, stress seems to be just around the next corner. My day is going smoothly, and then something ALWAYS happens to interrupt my "zen" flow.

Reality! You wake up late or you wake up too early. You forget your cell phone or you accidentally wash (and dry!) your cell phone (me with pregnant brain during my second pregnancy). You grocery shop and then leave the groceries at the store (my cousin and dear friend, right after the birth of her second child). You make up your child's bed neatly and, in the meantime, he or she is hard at work sabotaging your latest manuscript (kids love laptops, especially mine!). You go to work to provide family financial stability, but in the end you have no time to spend with the family you are working so hard for.

Mothers, the original gurus of multi-tasking, can have a pretty long "stress" list. In fact, the more we multi-task, the more stressed and less efficient we become. (can I get an amen there?)

So this week, I will share "real time" stress relief secrets. This means I will offer up stress relief tips that work in real life - like the ones I use while I try to get my kids to nap so I can finish this blog or the ones I use when the kids spew their oatmeal at each other as I (try to) concentrate on answering work email - you know - that kind of "real time".

Even now, as I work, I am listening to my oldest sing his own nonstop rendition (by request) of happy birthday to his brother (it's not his birthday) while they "nap." So here it goes....

7 Ways to Stop Mommy/Wife Stress In Its Tracks:

1. Stressful Scenario: The kids are not listening to you (boy if I had a nickel for every time this happened).
   
2. Solution: Whisper, don't shout. I use to shout, but after a year of chronically losing my voice I learned something neat. When I spoke in a tone closer to a whisper than a shout, my kids listened more. Also, stick around until you get the results you are looking for. In yoga speak, this means helping a student align their pose, then not moving on to the next student until they have achieved the safe alignment you want. The same is true with children. To get them to nap, I hung around outside their bedroom door. (I recently moved them into a shared room, so bed time has gotten very interesting.) Each time I would hear little feet on the floor, I would open the door and calmly remind them to stay in their beds. I also tossed in a carrot - I told them "we will have more time for fun after their nap if they go to sleep now." The results were profound.
3. Benefit: You don't have to get anymore headaches from listening to your head roar. You can prevent wrinkles from not having to twist up your face in exasperation all the time. Your posture will improve because you can take the time to bend down on one knee and explain to them why they are in trouble, instead of hunching over or throwing your head back to get your voice to travel the furthest distance at the loudest volume possible. Lastly, your shouts become more effective when they are truly needed (like a dangerous situation of running into traffic, etc.), They will be less likely to think you are "crying wolf" and will be much more receptive to you. I get lots more "I wuv you's (I love you's) from my kids for shouting less and speaking gently more.

1. Scenario: Your husband is not listening to you. (hmm, another nickel anyone?)
2. Solution: One of my biggest pet peeves is repeating myself. And, there is nothing worse than repeating yourself when no one is listening. So when this scenario arises, I remind myself that no one is a perfect listener. In addition, not many people digest information after they've only heard it once. (can anyone pass that physics or biology test after only reading the information once?) Remind yourself that everyone is fragile and you are not the center of the universe. Your husband is likely as stressed as you are. Ask him what he may need to get off his chest as well. The fact is, how well can you pay attention to details if you are already overwhelmed with information (aka hyper stimulated)? If these reminders do not work, send your partner an email or write a short letter. Consider it a "love letter". A means for really slowing down to say what you mean. When is the last time you wrote one a love letter to your partner? Do it today. Lastly, try to avoid working out problems during chaotic times. I am not a procrastinator. In fact, I am the anti-thesis of a procrastinator. But for working on marital bliss with your partner, sometimes procrastination is a good thing. Instead of trying to work through a disagreement while the kids are also melting down, postpone it. The immediacy of what you disagreed over will subside. Let yourself mellow for a while (not steep!), and see if you can speak about it when the situation has calmed itself.
   
3. Benefit: Improved communication, hands down. By far, the biggest troublemaker in a relationship is lack of or ineffective communication. Usually, it is because of anger or expectations. (i.e. You get angry because expectations were not met. For example, "I thought you were going to pick up the groceries. or I thought Friday was our date night? or I cannot believe you said that to me.") Explain what you mean, without animosity or hidden agenda. If you cannot do it out loud, do it in writing. Many times, you can explain things better if you write them out first, and you are less likely to let anger dictate your speech.

Stay tuned...5 More Stress Busters to come this week!

*photo taken in June of this year during a trip to Grandfather mountain. ...a typical day in the life of any mother....

Guts & Glory: More Than Surviving

“I don’t want to survive, I want to live.” Wall-E  

Such a simple statement from the futuristic children’s movie Wall-E, but its meaning carries seismic paradigm shifting consequence. Survivors, at some point in the very midst of their crisis seizing body, mind, and spirit decide…they are not going to fight, flee, or freeze. No, survivors will tell you at some point, they decide they will not give in to instinctual, autonomic, involuntary reaction. Survivors will tell you they want to do more than survive, they want to live.

“It is not the situation that matters, but how you react to it”. Epictetus

In the midst of mortal danger, or even repeated mundane daily stressors (which over time can cause as much damage or even more that one incidence of mortal danger), we have a golden opportunity for glory. 

With each daily stressor (or if you are THAT person experiencing mortal danger or threat) we have a decision to make, which will change our lives. Although sometimes we do not think or accept that suffering through life is good, I believe it is. Suffering allows us to learn and if not mortal, gives us a second chance to make the right decision. Making the right decision determines whether we will be “bitter or better”, and whether we will stand or fall. Adversity and struggle really ought to be our best friend, our greatest teacher. 

The question is this: will we allow ourselves to be dictated by the world’s definition of success or failure, or will we seek success in a new light? This light, which some call enlightenment, allows you to forever refute the world’s definition of success, and instead embrace an eternal definition of success.

Much of our fear and worry comes from caving in to seeking approval and expectation from others. It also comes from thinking that this “world” is all that will ever exist for us. This type of thinking creates a fear-based poverty mentality where a person may act out of character and good reason because they are making decisions based on fear of loss, poverty, or death. However, who is defining or telling us that loss, poverty, or death are “bad” things? The world tells us that loss, poverty, or death are bad. Those with what I’ll call “Eternal Wealth Philosophy”, make the decision and choice to not succumb to the world’s definition of “wealth vs. poverty, success vs. failure, or pleasure vs. pain”. Those people hold a belief that is dear and sacred to them. They believe that they are in no position to “judge” pleasure from pain or success from failure but instead they live by faith that in all things they endure – ultimate eternal wealth will come.

We can take this a step further and say that once the survivor has made the choice to endure and overcome, staying full of expectant hope and refusing to be confined by the finite world’s view of success, they can choose to help others who have similarly suffered. This is called the golden rule or the rule of karma and dharma, do unto others as you would be done unto and act for the sake of action’s sake, not just to reap the reward of the action. 

We should pursue, with great compassion and love, those activities which ultimately “build up”, instead of “tear down” relationships. I believe the greatest act of resilience is to love others, which leads others toward a life of expectant hope and demonstrates that eternal wealth is a birthright and exists through love and its actions. 

I believe all things work toward a common good for all who believe in a life of eternal wealth. It becomes easier to shed “poverty and fear” based thinking when we have something to look forward to beyond this life. It also becomes easier to shed doom and gloom thinking when we realize what we suffer through can ultimately help another person survive.

What also makes survivors resilient is their exercise of choice (either knowingly or unknowingly). By choice, they overcome. And each time they undergo adversity and survive, they become stronger and draw on faith from past experience, as well as from being supported by others who have suffered similarly they will again survive.

In many cases, belief in a Higher power is where people derive that core "faith,” because they believe there is a cloud of witnesses who have gone before them who have survived similar ordeals and are surrounding them with support. Those people also draw on faith because they believe nothing is left to chance and that everything happens for a reason and can work for the good of all.

John Donne' said, "No man is an island...do not think for whom the bell tolls, the bell tolls for thee."

As a result, our life experiences, our “surviving”, is never in vain. We can always use our situations of survival to aid and assist others. Ultimately, our pain can be our best teacher. We can further harness lessons, and be of help to ourselves, by helping others through their similar pain and suffering - by sharing in the human condition. Someone else's pain becomes our pain. Someone else's joy then becomes our joy.

Martin Luther King, Jr. penned from an Alabama jail, "We are all interconnected...I cannot become what I am supposed to become until you become what you are supposed to become...."

Learning the lesson of using pain as our teacher to help ourselves and others can ultimately be what empowers us and others to choose to survive, and overcome. By your suffering, you can save two lives – someone else’s and your own.

What makes survivors resilient?

Recently I was asked this question. Here is my response (*name changed for privacy):

What a great question, Kate!*

I believe that survivors are resilient because they exercise choice (either knowingly or unknowingly). By choice, they overcome. And, each time they undergo adversity (and survive), they become stronger and draw on faith from past experience, as well as from being supported by others who have suffered similarly, that they will again, survive.

In many cases, belief in a Higher power is where people derive that core "faith", because they believe there is a cloud of witnesses who have gone before them who have survived similar ordeals - and are surrounding them with support. Those people also draw on faith because they believe nothing is left to "chance", and that everything happens for a reason and can work for the good of all.

However, our life experiences, our "surviving", is never in vain. We can always use our situations of survival to aid and assist others. Ultimately, our pain can be our best teacher. We can further harness lessons, and be of help to ourselves, by helping others through their similar pain and suffering - by sharing the in human condition. Someone else's pain becomes our pain. Someone else's joy then, becomes our joy. Like John Donne' said, "no man in an island...do not think for whom the bell tolls, the bell tolls for thee." Further, Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "we are all interconnected...I cannot become what I am supposed to become until you become what you are supposed to become...." This writing, by the way, Rev. King penned from an Alabama jail.

Learning this lesson of using pain as our teacher to help ourselves and others, can ultimately be what empowers us (and others) to also choose to survive, and overcome.

Peace,
Ginger

**photograph of me in Westminster Abbey, circa 2004